Merry Christmas

Picture from my most favourite movie - 

Elf with Will Ferrall & Zooey Deschanel

3rd Trimester

I finally made it to the 3rd Trimester and she is kicking 24/7.

MCN

Well some of you may think I'm completely loony but this is my new obsession.

Modern Cloth Nappies


I have been toying with the idea of cloth nappies since the beginning of the pregnancy. I like the fact that they are better for the environment, my hip pocket and most importantly, bub. My plan is to use Hu99ies disposable in the first few weeks while I try to establish breast feeding and just get use to being a mum. (I have stocked up on a few boxes.) Then I will slowly introduce my cloth ones.

I currently have 7 in total. Which I think is a great start however I know I'll need heaps more as time goes on. The problem is that there are so many different types and brand out there that it can be very overwhelming. I have gone with the brand Gr0 Via. I have purchased 2 types. 1 All in one and 3 Shells with 6 inserts. My plan is to use shells with inserts during the day and all in ones at night. I will start by using a combination of disposable and cloth so I can test them out, then build my supply of cloth and faise out the disposables. However you can also buy disposable inserts for my shells which is nice idea when out or when mummy has been busy and not washed. (I have brought a pack as a back up.)

Wipes = I have decided to use cotton wool pad with water in the beginning as this is best for new born skin. Then I'll be moving onto disposable wipes. I have been considering reusable wipes but might wait a bit and look at that down the track if I feel motivated. (Think I like disposable wipes.)

I have attached 3 pictures of my nappies.
The cream nappy is my All in one.
The pale pink nappy is the Shell then the other picture is the insert that snaps into the shells.

As you can see I prefer plain colours even though they do come in some cute design.
Also I will send out a WARNING to any pregnant women who are considering MCN. It is highly addictive and easy to get carried away. I just hope I am as enthusiastic with washing then as I have been researching them. LOL!

Baby Girl!

Hubby and me are expecting a baby girl.

This is a few pictures of some of the outfit that are very special to me. All these clothes where MINE when I was a baby that will be passed down to her. There is a few other bit of mine she has been handed down too. Some of these pieces are over 30 years old. They made Quality Clothes back then.

My plan is to have a picture of her in some of them and put it in a frame with a picture of me in them when I was a bub too. Mother and Daughter!

My sister and a psychic

Well my sister went and visited a psychic on the weekend and I must say that things she said about our family were very actuate and the things she talked about my sister were very true. However my sister also asked her about me. She said she didn't want to say I was having a girl but that she was getting Feminine vibes. (My scan is Friday so guess I'll know then.) She also said that my baby would come early and be small but healthy. She also said it would be taken out of me. (C section) I found this very interesting to hear as for some strange reason I feel my baby will be born in February. Only mins before my sister rang  to tell me the info she had received I was telling my SIL about how I can't fight this gut feeling this bub will be a Feb bub. My current due date is 4th March so a Feb bub is totally possible.

Look it could all just be rubbish but I kind of think that some psychic are very real but there are fakes that make it hard for them. I saw one around 10 years ago and I must say she was amazing. Very accurate in my past and the future. I'm a believe!

Nursery Furniture

I really wanted to wait till my 20 weeks scan till I purchased my nursery furniture. However a few weeks ago we were browsing through D-Jones when I was handed a flyer that said that they were having a 20% off nursery furniture. It was only at a specific store and for one day only. (This Saturday) Hubby and I had done heaps of research previously and had already decided pretty much what we wanted. (Only had a few extra chooses to make.) Therefore we sat with the sales lady that day and she wrote down all the product no. and prices (Before 20% off) and we took it home with us to access. Now there is a baby stores that have some of these items at 20% all the time however some of the specific item we wanted (cot) they just didn't stock. So after a lot of looking on the net and price matching, we have decided to get all the furniture from D-Jones as they have all of it except 1 item (Toybox which is at the discount baby store) and it will all be the same price as elsewhere and they have the specific cot we want too. Also we will get it all delivered in one go. God that will be an exciting day. I have been dreaming about the day I put my nursery furniture together for years. See I love putting furniture together. LOve it! As soon as it's in the house I rib it open. It's like a giant puzzle and I love the challenge of a good puzzle. I know the day it gets delivered I will be itching for hubby to help me and I know he will roll his eyes as he hAtes putting furniture together. He will procrastinate and try to brush me off and because the furniture can take up to 3 months to arrive I know I will be too big to do most of it and I will need him to help heaps more than he normal would.

Anyway I thought I would share some picture of the furniture I will be purchasing. The brand is Boori Country and the colour timber is English Oak. Hubby and I love dark solid wood furniture and with all the babies room wall white and white linen, I think this furniture will look great. My style is simple nice pieces with minimal extras. That is basically my style throughout my house. All the babies furniture will grow with them. This whole set will last beyond their toddler years.

The cot is convertible. It can be a Cot, Toddler bed and then a full size single bed.





This is the bedside table for the lamp and monitor.

This chest of draws is for clothes storage and we are adding the nappy tray on top that matches the cot.

And this toybox/window seat which I will have to purchase at a different store. My MIL is going to make a fabric foam piece for the top and then I'm thinking stuffed toys on top.

Only piece left to find is a rocking chair or glider.

17 week belly shot

I have been very slack with the belly shots. This is only my second shot, which was taken tonight after dinner. The main reason is because I hate having my photo taken. I avoid cameras at parties and hate looking at pictures of myself. I was however really good on our wedding day as I really wanted good photos but it was my father in law (photographer) and one of his workers so I felt comfortable with them. I still love my wedding photos and look at them often. If I get the courage in October on our 6th anniversary I'll post a picture.

My Wardrobe

It funny your perception of a pregnant body during Infertility. In my first year went through the stage of not buying new clothes because I thought I would get pregnant. Then in my 2nd year I brought cheap clothes thinking I would only need them for a short period. Then in my 3rd year of IF I gave up the fight and brought what clothes I wanted and didn't think twice about the "What if." Just a week before I found out I was PG I spend $300 on new professionally fitting bras for the first time in years. It felt great to splash out and get some beautiful pieces, unfortunately I only got like 1 1/2 months out of them but you know what I don't care. Now as my belly has gotten bigger I have had to sort through my wardrobe. I brought some sucky bags so I can store my unwanted items to make room for my maternity clothes.

Now I will admit that even thou I didn't have any "what if" in my head when I had been shopping over the past year, I did however have a few items I had kept after every wardrobe clean out that I had held on to thinking if I get PG then I would wear this. Generally the were tops that were loose around the belly, low cut shorts that kind of thing. The thing is that NONE of these so called "Saved" items fit. Either my boobs are too big. My hips are too round or they are just plain uncomfortable. After the 3rd sucky bag. I soon realised that I have almost nothing left that actually fits. All my jeans and long pants except the very sexy elastic wasted geany pants (which are starting to get tight now) got sucked. All my shorts and skirts except 2 exercise pants got sucked. All my bras got sucked (Including my nice new ones.) All my non stretched undies got sucked. Don't want to stretch the good ones too. Then came the charity bags. I did a total of 2 garbage bags full for the charity bin. These contained tops, pants, jumpers and anything else that I didn't want or had hoarded as my "When I get PG" clothes. I was so unaware of how your body really does change. Now with barely any clothes left in my wardrobe and what was left didn't really fit but was left there for after I have bub, I realised I badly needed some new clothes. I was lucky that my sister had given me a pile of maternity clothes she had. Some fit and some were too small in the boobs. But my wardrobe was looking better and finally I manage to compile a decent outfit together. I had brought 2 cheap maternity jeans earlier on which I was living in, then as the weather has got hotter I have managed to convert them into shorts. (They actually look better as shorts) So slowly my wardrobe is resembling something I can be happy with. Just got to get a few more bits and pieces then I think I will be good to go.

Unless I'm blissfully unaware for what is to come.

A Boy or A Girl?

I can't believe I made it. I'm in my second trimester. Woo Hoo! I'm really looking forward to my 15 week 5 day appointment next friday to hear bubs heart beat again and I'm especially looking forward to my 19 week 5 day appointment as it will be a scan. Since we said no to downs testing ect. we haven't had a scan since 7weeks 5 days, so I'm busting to see them. Also we will hopefully find out the gender too. My acupuncturist said my pulse is telling her it is a girl. It will be interesting to see if she is right. Also way back when my sister was PG and I had been TTC for 5 months. My sisters friend who is a bit Psychic said she had a vision of my sister with a little boy running around and me with a new born baby girl. At the time I was cursing her and said I can't wait that long. Well here I am. My sister's son will be 3 when this baby is born so I think she might be right. I have had a total of 6 girl predictions and 2 boy predictions.  My lunar calendar says boy, the ring test didn't work and my cravings have been for savoury. 1 night I have a 6:30 dinner and then had left over dinner at 8:30. Oh dear! 


I have no idea either way. However I would like to know what my followers think it is. Please leave a comment with your guess below. 

BPA

I have been thinking alot about BPA lately. For those of you not aware of what it is I will explain. It is a chemical used in plastic to make it strong. (sort of) Click Here for great explanation. Anyway there has been research done that have provided evidence that it is harmful. Countries like Canada have banded it. However unfortunately Australia isn't one of them. Now the most common use for BPA is baby bottle. (Now you understand where my interest has come from.) Now most baby bottle companies are only producing BPA free bottle however there is still cheap bottle that are not BPA free on the market. Scary!!! Also it doesn't just stop at baby bottles. There are plastic containers ect being sold that are made with BPA and the packaging of these kinds of products are not as clear cut.

My plan for this baby is to b00by feed. But I do want some bottles as back up. I looked at the plastic ones and thought if scientist are only now discovering that BPA is bad, then what other chemical are in these plastic bottles that we don't know about yet. Therefore I started researching alternatives to plastic. Which were glass or stainless steal. So considering my clumsiness, hubby and I did our research and have decided on stainless steel. Click Here to read about them.

However my research hasn't stopped there. I have now become plastic obsessed. I have started looking at all the plastic in my kitchen and trying to work out what is what. Now I am a Tupperware whore. I love the stuff, however now I am looking at it and thinking twice. Now for anyone who has brought Tupperware you will know it is not cheap stuff and I practically have shares in the stuff. Now with very little info on the actual product, I decided to give them a little ring. They were not as helpful as I would have expected.

I called and told them I wanted to check if any of my stuff had BPA in it. She said the "microwave" container brought prior the the current catalogue were BPA. WTF!!! I then said, "Your kidding me, are you going to replace them with BPA free ones." she replied with a firm no and said if I use them as recommended then they are fine. Arr NO! The research is clear that it is NOT safe to Microwave BPA products as it makes it leach out. Hence why baby bottle are such a concern. She then brushed me off and told me about This section of the web site where it will tell me the info about BPA. What it refers to are the recycling codes (triangles with a number inside, on the bottom of most plastic product.) Now codes 1, 2, 4 & 5 are OK. 3 & 6 should be avoided and 7 is BPA.  However the list on there site is only for their current product list not my products. (1 to 7 years old) So what do I do. First of all I'm never buying tupperware again. This is one very loyal customer they have lost. Second is I'm going to stop giving hubby and sometimes me, left over dinners for lunch in those, "microwave safe bowls" HA! I tell you where their going. (Give you a clue, rhymes with tin) I'm still going to check my pantry containers with the lovely (Choke) customer service ppl. Then if that is all fine. Then I will go and buy some new glass bowls for Hubbies lunches.

The thing that upsets me the most is that you put your trust in these big companies and pay top dollar for their product thinking you have invested well. Then you realise that they are not what you thought they were. Also what worries me is that there are so many people out there using these plastic product that are  not even aware of what they are doing. If Australia doesn't ban BPA then what will the future hold for our future generations? In my mothers childhood there was very little plastic and nothing was wasted. We live in a world of plastic now and are a throw away society.
SAD:(

Feeling good.

After feeling so sick and worried for the first weeks of my pregnancy, I'm finally feeling good. I felt so negative and unsettled in those weeks that I'm sure it was reflected in my posts. I guess the BFP was a big shock and I didn't know what to do or think. Also constant sickness is a big mood dampener. 

I'm starting to get use to the idea now and starting to get excited. I joined the PAAC board and Emma and me are having some wonderful chats which has been lovely to have someone to share this journey with that has gone through the same stuff. Also I'm talking about the baby more and Hubby and I are making plans to turn the spare room (AKA junk room) into a nursery.

We went to 3 baby stores over the weekend and can I just say that the amount of choice in Prams is completely nuts. One store had close to 100 prams. WTF! We just felt lost. However we did end up deciding on one thing, a Car seat, which wasn't hard. It was the most popular one sold because of the safety features and we got it on sale for $100 off. We have started a list of things we need which isn't too long as my sister is lending me lots of baby stuff she has. We mostly have to buy big ticket items like a cot, a chest of draws and the dreaded Pram.  Then just a few bits and pieces.Overall I'm feeling positive and trying really hard to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. 

I've done my time in the Infertility Jail and I'm on the outside. Just needed to find my feet.

Where do I belong?

I am thinking about rejoining my old forum after almost a year. Just for some support and to gain some info as I still feel a little lost. The thing is I really want to join the Pregnancy After Assistant Conception board rather than my March Birth Board.  What I want to know is,  is it insensitive or rude to join since technology I conceived naturally. See I feel that I belong on this board as the women know what I have been through and understand my feelings. The March board is full of women that conceived quickly and although I'm sure they are very supportive I just feel it is a bit of a mad house and I don't know if I need that right now.

I would love everyones opinion on this. How would you feel?

I'm a professional but I don't know what I'm doing!!!

I have worked in childcare since I was a teenager. (12 years) I have changed well over 10,000 nappies, assisted with toilet trained a large number of children, written thousands of observations, read heaps of articles and even done 2 years of formal study in early childhood. I have done a total of 18 months in a nursery room and all the rest was either with the 2 to 4 age bracket or with multi age. I also do heaps of babysitting for both my work kids and my family members. I consider myself a professional early childhood educator. 


However I feel there is this pressure from people who keep say that it will be a easy for me to be a mum as I have worked in childcare for so long. I know that I have a lot of experience and tasks like nappy changing will be a walk in the park but I never really looked after a newborn, except of a few hour with my sister and I really don't know what to do. I don't know anything about breastfeeding, I don't really know how I will go with not having a full night sleep and I don't really know a lot about new born development. Now I know most new mum's would be feeling this way however I feel like some people in my life are putting this pressure on me already that they assume I'm a professional and will find this easy. It feels like they have put high expectations on me. I have said to these people that I may be good at my career but having a new born 24/7 is totally different. If I have had a hard day at work I can go home relax and forget about it. If you have a bad night with a baby, well they are still there 2 hours later. Now don't get me wrong I'm really am excited about having a baby and I'm looking forward to the challenge it brings but just because I'm a early childhood professional doesn't mean I won't need help and support like all other new mum.

A baby is born

Tonight we went to the hospital to see Hubbies new nephew. He was a huge 10 pound. Mum had a 2 hour labour with no drugs. As I held him I had a very different feeling then I normally do. The last 3 nieces and nephew I held were during my infertility and I held them with a little pain in my heart. However this time I was glowing. I looked and him with excitement. Also as i watched my nervous hubby with his nephew, it brought a feeling about him as a dad and how wonderful he will be. There is something about a new born baby.

2WW

I have 2 weeks till I hit that magic 12 weeks. Oh the dreaded 2ww, Oh how I hate thy. I'm feeling a little tired and b00bs are sore. Ok, ok I know I said I would never complain about being pregnant but I really think that me and pregnancy are not a perfect couple. I'm hating my lack of effort in day to day tasks. Meals can be a hit and miss, housework is real effort as I'm tired and have been having headaches and I can only take panadol which in my option are as good as swallowing tic tacs. I think my neck is a little out which is causing the headaches. I have booked a physio appointment on friday. Hopefully that will ease the tension. The pregnancy is going well itself as I have seen some major changes in my body and what was once my little pot belly (pre PG) is now turning into what can only be described as a baby bump. I'm still trying to hide it from ppl but I'm really running out of room in my clothes and can't really hide it. I think some ppl are suspicious but too polite to say anything. I now can only do up 2 pairs of my pants and elastic wasted pants (classy) are now my new best friend. I also am struggling with some tops as my b00bs are bigger and some top and bras are getting a little too snug. I think I might need a clothes shopping day. Might wait the 2 weeks. Don't want to tempt fate.

Unemployed Grandpa at 29 years old.

I thought you girls might like this for shits and giggles. What a fucked up world we live in.


Click Here

60 mins and a few tears.

I'm not sure if anyone saw 60 mins tonight but it was very moving. Hormonal me was in tears throughout one particular story. It was about a women who was pretty much told she couldn't have children, her husband had a very low sperm count and had given up. Then at, wait for it.........50, she fell pregnant naturally. She is the oldest women in Australia to have conceived naturally. I mean WOW! I was so touched. Her and her husband seemed like genuinely lovely people and I think they will be wonderful parents. They showed her at the end with the bub and they were such wonderful parents. It just really makes you think that miracles really can happen and like my little miracle, they can happen when you least expect it.

Here is a link to the 60 min web page.

Chon and Tee you are still young. HELLO 50!

Tears of release.

I just watch these 2 music videos and had a huge ugly cry. I really think this was that release I have been needing. It feel like I'm letting go of my pain so I can let in some happiness.

Baby, now that I've found you. By Allison Krauss

Baby Mine By Allison  Krauss

8 weeks, well tomorrow.

I had an ultra sound on Friday which I thought was an 8 week scan but it turns out I was 2 days ahead of myself and I'm not 8 weeks till tomorrow. I'm really happy because Dr T gave me the exact due date which is the 4th March 2012. Hubby was also super excited before, during and after this appointment. We saw something that resembled a head and the heart in the middle of the blob. We also got to hear the heart beating for a few second. It was amazing. Last appointment my doctor wasn't very excited but this appointment was soooo different. He asked about what find of labour I wanted, gave me lots of info, asked about the "downs" test which we have declined as we would not aboard it if it was so what is the point to the test. Also we got to take home a goody bag full of samples and the most amazing thing.... our babies first photo. It doesn't look like much but hey it means the world to me. Hubby was so cute he took it to work and showed his boss and I took it to my acupuncturist. (Yes I'm still having weekly treatments.)  My sister did up a pregnancy album with journey entries and photos when she was PG. So yesterday after the scan I brought a little album and next friday we are going to sit together and start mine. My sister is very creative and likes to scrapbook. I on the other hand have failed at all my attempts to scrapbook and will need lots of guidance. Who are we kidding, I'll probably choose the decorations and she will probably put it together. 

Why lie?

So I work for myself but I have a company which I run my business under. Now in that company is staff and there are other women that do what I do too. Now I had to tell the staff that I was PG after being asked to do a physical task that I didn't feel was safe. That was fine and it doesn't bother me they know. However I was talking to one of the staff about it and told her a little about my journey. She then told me that C (another worker like me) went through the same kind of things. Now I know C and after she announced she was PG with non identical twin girls about 4 months ago, I started wondering if she had done IVF. So being the nosey person I am, I said to her, "Where they natually conceived?" She looked at me and said, "yes". Now that was months ago that she said it to me but I feel hurt. Why would she lie? I know she didn't know I was suffering with IF too but that is beside the point. Why are people so ashamed about infertility. I mean did it really matter if she had told the truth. If anything people would be more happy and understanding than if she keeps her mouth shut. Really why did she lie?

Thank you.

Firstly I wanted to say thank you to everyone's supportive comments after my last post. I really did need some support and like always my girls came through. I have been trying really hard over the past few days to relax and to stop stressing. I have started reading a pregnancy book which I brought at 5 weeks but was not ready to read. (Yes Tee it is "Up the duff.") I pick it up last night and started reading it. When I first read it 3 weeks ago I had a horrible feeling reading it and couldn't concentrate. But last night I found myself nodding and feeling reassured.

I have also started a new page on my blog called "My Pregnancy Diary". Which I feel is a step in a positive direction. (It was even hard to even put an app on my phone when I found out, so this is a huge step for me.) I have been writing notes in a notebook next to my bed but I would really like to transfer them onto my blog. My plan is to add to it each week of my pregnancy. Now the reason I have put it on a separate page is to allow my followers the choose if they would like to read it and not be blasted with weekly updates on their blog rolls. I will post a link on my main page if there is any big news but really the diary is more for me to write my thoughts.

Update:

Well the morning all day sickness has kicked in, which I know is a positive thing and I know I swore I would never complain but feeling sick all day is the pits. I have been eating fairly well. My favourite things at the moment are.

* Vegemite and cheese crackers. (Chon, Vegemite is like medicine for my sore tum tum)
* Apples and Strawberries
* Milk (I love milk and always have. As a teenager I used to drink 1 to 2 L of milk a day. No wonder I was a size 6 in year 12)
* Cornflacks
* And my true lifesaver, TIC TACS!

My body has had a few changes too. These include:

* Bigger and higher B00bs. Also last night I notice my ni99les are getting a little darker and they are also bumpy.
* My belly is tighter and considering I carry all my weight in my stomach, well lets just say I will have trouble keeping this a secret for much longer.
* I must say I haven't been to tired. Also considering I'm getting up at around 3:30am for a bit of a vomit, I think that is surprising. I'm normally the kind of person that NEEDS 8 hours of sleep to function. Oh I'm going to be in for a shock in 7 months time. Ahhhh!

Thanks again for your support.

7 weeks

I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I almost feel sad. Now I know you are all probably thinking that I should be over the moon that I'm pregnant but I still can't shake this feeling. I'm not sure if it is a hormone thing or just a normal reaction after IF. I am truly happy I'm preggy and DH and I have been talking about plans and stuff but I just feel that there is this wall that has stopped me from truly letting go. I'm worrying about not eating right. I worry about cramps. Hubby is worried about sex and won't do it even though the doctor said it is safe.

My fear was stepped up on Thursday when I was vomiting and feeling unwell. So I went to the doctors (Not my normal GP.) just to get checked out. She said it could be the flu, "no it's not, you don't have a temp." She asked if I had had the flu shot which I said no which I never have and have never had the flu. She was horrified and basically said I have to have it today. FUCK! The doctor then said the sooner I finish my job the better because I'm around kids and they are sick. FUCK, what now I'm a bad mum for working. Then she said I could be miscarrying. FUCK WHAT! She then went on to say lots of women misscarry at 7 weeks. I felt like saying, Yeah but most women don't take more than 3 years to get pregnant. Bit of fucking sensitivity please. Then she asked if I had cramps or spotting, "NO." Felt my uterus which was swollen which apparently is good. Then she said it could be gastro or food poisoning, Check my tummy. NO. Then she settled for a virus and morning sickness. Then sent me to the nurse for the flu shot. I then cried to the nurse saying I was scared about having the shot. She asked why and I said because I'm pregnant. She said it is safe and if I don't have it and get the flu I can m/c or have a birth defect. FUCK! Well I guess I'm a bad mum if I don't have it. I left feeling like a failure and I haven't even had the baby yet. Then today I told my acupuncturist about the doctor and she said "You didn't have the shot did you." Yes I did, FUCK!

I mean, what the fuck. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and I have no fucking idea what is going on. I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing or not doing. I don't know how I'm meant to feel or not meant to feel. It feels like I'm in the middle of nowhere, blind folded and I'm supposed to find my way home. I feel more scared now then I was during Infertility. I have another scan next Friday at 8 weeks which I'm looking forward to. But I just wish I could relax and enjoy this most wonderful gift I have been given.

My BFP secret

So I have been keeping a secret. Last Tuesday when my period was a few days late I poas and got 2 lines. A day later I saw the GP, the day after that a BT and the day after that got the results of HCG level of 1800. Now I thought that when the moment that I finally got a positive that I would want to yell it at the roof tops. But I didn't. I was shit scared. There has been so many m/c being announced that I just couldn't get pumped about it. I feel like a fish out of water. I've never fallen. I have never felt this and I certainly didn't feel like there was a baby inside me. I called my FS who is also a Obstetrician and the nurse booked me in for a 6 week scan. Apparently due to my endo and infertility, I'm a high risk pregnancy. I have been so worried about ectopic and just in general. Friday morning of the scan I vomited my breakfast up after a number of morning that week of feeling sick. So at 11am we went to Dr T where he did a u/s. The first thing he said was is there one or two. TWO I didn't even think about this. He said 1. I said, Is it were it should be and he replied yes. Finally I could breath after holding my breath for a week and a half. Then he was silent. My mind started to wonder. Fuck what is it in the right spot but is dead! He then pointed to the screen and said see that tiny white spot that's moving up and down. I squint and say "Yes." He then said, "That's the heartbeat." WHAT! OMG! Since then I have been up and down. I'm happy that there is a little peanut in there but nervous of the 15 to 20% chance we have of m/c. I told him I had morning sickness that morning and he told me that that was a good sign and that women with morning sickness are less likely to m/c. That night (last night) I felt sick and then dry reached about 5 times today. Then tonight hubby started cooking dinner and the smell make me run to the toilet and dry reach a few more times. Then I sat on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out. This was definitely the release that I had been needing since I found out.
I feel horrible that I hadn't told my followers but I was just not ready to write about it. I know that you girls will be my support if anything happens and I need that. I'm sorry it took this long to tell you all but I just wasn't ready for the congratulations. This really took me for a spin. I was planning my FET for the end of this month and certainly didn't except a positive test when I did it. I actually thought I might have had a cyst back and that's why I was late. Turns out I was wrong. The 2 lines came up before I even had time to put it down on the toilet paper. I said to my mum that it feels like it's a dream. She said, "It is a dream, a dream that you have wanted for over 3 years."

Just to add to the bullshit!

Well I logged on after being off my blog for a week and today pretty much all I read about is bad news. Well I have some shit to add to the pile that I was unable to write about till now.

Sunday afternoon my house got broken into. They took my laptop, my i phone, my French connection watch, hubbies x box and lots of bit and pieces. But the one thing that was taken that seems irreplaceable is my feeling of security. We have deadlock and security screens but they broke glass to get in. We were literally 5 mins down the road. I don't feel safe in my home or online for that matter. My lap top had a link to my blog and email and although I have changed the password I wonder if they are reading this.
I also have been working on a memoir for around 6 months about my infertility journey which dates back to when we first thought about TTC. It was my master piece and it was like 10 pages long and no where near done. I have feelings, information and so much put into it, GONE! Someone said to rewrite it but I can't replicate what was written. It was a release outlet and I wrote it to let it out.

I went to acupuncture yesterday and she was great. She said we would skip the fertility treatment and do a shock treatment instead. I had a great feeling of relaxation for the first time since it happened. She put a needle in my ear that is very tiny and it stays in for a week. She was so great, she refused to charge me. She gave be some things to do to push the bad feeling out. Lets just say if anyone sore me yesterday afternoon in my house they would have thought I was high. I literally pushed the bad feelings out the door and was moving candles around everywhere. I do feel a little better. The police said the will mostly never return but we have upped our security anyway. I just feel so violated. I feel like on edge in my own house.

Bastards!
Fucking assholes!
Cock balls!
Shit heads!
Scum of the earth!

Please feel free to add to this list!

Letting it out

Since my current emotional journey is for me to try to make peace with my infertility, I have decided to write down the hardest times in my journey. I know this seen strange that I want to make peace but then I want to bring up the negative things. However I feel that by write them down I'm kind of letting them go. There may be some things written in here that people may find offensive and I 'm sorry but I need to get it all out.

*Well from my last post, my sisters pregnancy was a hard moment. The hardest was her baby shower (as mentioned), the birth (I was there at the beginning until she ended up with an emergency c-section), and when he was young. Some day I was fine and others I was a mess. I was angry that she had a baby into a rocky marriage (pre and post baby) when my marriage was strong and still is (been together for 13 years now, Married for 5 and as in love with him like crazy still.)

* My sister in law announced her second pregnancy. Now with the first and second pregnancy she smoked through and still does. She hands her children to the grand parents every weekend so she can go out drinking. Although she didn't "drink" when she was pregnant, she did tell me she had an occasional wine. I believe she loves her kids but she put herself before them.

* My brother in law was 16 and had been going out with this chick for, wait for it............1 month when she announced she was pregnant. Now 2 years later and they are married and expecting a second and just brought a house.  But I seemed so unfair they got pregnant in that circumstance and we couldn't and now it feels like they are living a perfect life.

* It was hard when my TTC 12 month + forum became more of a pregnancy update place then a "I can't conceive venting place." Hence why left. I understand ppl want to hang around to support others but I just think talking about every move, scan and bump gets a bit much. Specially when there are more pregnant women on there then non pregnant ones. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but a little sensitivity please!

* Another hard day was when I was told I was unable to do my planned FET. The appointment was meant to be a scan appointment with no big deal, so out of all the appointment this was the one that I told hubby to not come to. It was the only one he didn't and that was when I was told we couldn't go ahead with the FET and I needed another lap to remove a cyst of my ovary and endo. I remember ringing him in tear. On the day of the surgery I started getting tearing as I was just about to go under. Actually I was crying as the anesthetist was putting me to sleep. They thought I was just scared about the surgery but little did they know that my tears were because I was thinking that this is not what I'm meant to be doing. I was meant to be have a frozen embryo put in not surgery. I went under crying and the emotion must had stayed with me through the surgery because when I started to come to I began to cry as I started waking and the nurses were asking what was wrong but I was took groggy to tell them. They assumed I was in pain. Little did they know I was in pain but no the kind that any drug could fix.

* Obviously the day I was diagnosed with endo was a hard, and months of BFN's and as was starting IVF and doing the injections and had reactions and internal bleeding. Also the failed IVF's were hard but I knew that they hadn't worked before the results. I remember sitting alone one night on the couch a week after my first transfer and rubbing my tummy and crying out loud, "Me and your Daddy wanted you so much, why can't you just hold on."

* Then there was the darkest day ever. I was having a really bad time emotionally. It was a month after my lap and 2 and 4 month after the fail IVF's. I was crying all the time and just could get a grip on things. I was having a whine to hubby when he turned to me and said, "I can never have a bad day anymore because you are always sad." I now know what he was trying to say but at the time I took it personal. I went into my room and broke down into tears. It felt like my emotions were getting in the way of Hubby's happiness. I turned to my bedside table were my pain killers for my migraines were, I picked up the box and thought to myself, "If I took this box of pills then maybe I can get rid of my pain and then Hubby can be free." I could have easily done it, It would have been such any easy way out, but I knew deep in my heart that it wasn't right. I took the box down stairs and handed it to Hubby and told him what I wanted to do. I sobbed so hard and for so long and all he did was hugged me tight. After I started to pull myself together I told him I was sorry for my emotional state and that I think I need to get some professional help. I then went to a counselor and started sorting through my emotions. I realized that I had never really grieved over my failed IVF cycles and that I was obsessed with TTC, to the point were I didn't do anything for myself. I stopped living. At this point I really changed my life. I started to see the world differently. I didn't go on any medication, just the counseling and used strategies she gave me. It's felt like I had this cloud over my head for so long and then the sun started shining again. This all happened at the end of last year and since then I have never looked back.

My blessing :)

I been thinking long and hard about what blessing has come out of my infertility. I have lots of positives but a true blessing was a hard thing to think about. However after a long hard think I have come up with 1.

****************

My sister and I started TTC at the same time. She fell after 2 months of TTC and I was left behind to watch as she got the big belly, she got waited on by family and why she had the baby shower that I wanted. That baby shower was the Hardest day of my life. I had to pull myself together but inside I was screaming. I remember when she opened all the presents (I was the one passing them to her) I had to use ALL my strength to not cry. I had that lump in my throat and my eye were getting hot but I knew that I couldn't cry. It was her day, not mine. However I did breakdown on the floor as soon as I got in my front door.

Now it wasn't till Mitchy was 4 months old and my sister ended up in a mental hospital with PND that I realized that she need my support. Her marriage was failing, she was getting no sleep, Mitchy wasn't feeding properly and he had been born with some medical problems which consisted of 4 operation in 2 year, one of them being open heart surgery. Anyway I believed my sister need my support through this all. I remember her collapsing in my arms in an emotional break down, where I literally had to catch her as her legs gave way. I truely believe that if I had had a baby at the same time than I would not have been able to support her in the way she needed me to. I visited her in the mental hosital everyday for the whole 3 weeks she was in, I held her hand when Mitchy was in ICU. I was always there to listen and support her. She needed me more than I needed a baby.

Mitchy is 2 1/2 now and has had all the surgery he needs. He is a healthy, happy and very hyperactive little boy. My sister is still up and down and so is her marriage. But I don't feel she need me like she did. She is stronger and more focused and she won't be having anymore children.

I feel even though my sister is 3 1/2 years older than me that we are very close. I know if I need her she will always be there. Her experiences and my journey with her, has made me a better person and a better mother to be. I'm not who I was anymore, I see the world differently, I'm a better person now.

 

Mitchy at 9 months on holiday.

Count your blessings.

I had an acupuncture session on Friday which was very emotionally draining. I normally leave feel peaceful, however I spent this session telling "Kelly"(my acupuncturist) about my emotional journey over the past 3 years. I didn't cry or get upset. I just explained where I have been and were I am now and basically that I don't obsess like I use to about making a baby. She gave me an exercise to do. Which was to think of a true blessing that my endo/infertility has given me. Well I said that it has made me a better person. She said I didn't have to answer out loud and it was something to think about. She said it has to be something you truly think is a blessing not just a positive thing. I'm really struggling with this. She said it is part of this book "Count your blessing by Dr John Demartini" I haven't read the book yet but I'm very interested in what it says. It's soooo hard to see something that has hurt me so deeply and for so long and to take a step back and look at it as a blessing. I understand the reason, it is to let go of all the anger and to make peace. I really do want to be at peace and not just acceptance. I guess this is a step forward from acceptance and I really feel I need to make peace with it but it's so hard sometimes. Sometimes I still feel angry and I hate that, and sometimes I'm accepting it but never truly at peace. It's like this knot in my stomach that sometimes get loose and sometimes tightens but has never really comes undone. I've had more than 1 knot in there at times but at the moment I feel there is this last stubborn one that I just can't undo. It's just so tight. I can't truly let it go and I don't know if I ever really will............ but I want to try.

I'm a Mummy!

No, I didn't pop a baby out over the weekend. Hubby and I got a pet. Now I'm not a big animal person. I had a dog as a kid and a fish when Hubby and I first moved out but we have never really had a pet together. I'm not a dog or cat fan. (Plus it's too hard with my business) So I have finally gave in to Hubbies years of nagging for a pet and we brought a bird.

His name is Zazu (From The li0n king) He is a baby Cockatiel only a few months old. He has a very sweet nature and loves to sit on hubbies shoulders. I was a little scared at first and wouldn't hold him. But I'm starting to get better. I don't like him siting on my shoulder yet but I'm happy to let him sit on my arm and I'm slowly building my confidence. I'm a big sook. I'm scared of most animals.

We got him last Monday and the kids I look after loved looking at him. One day I will get him out for them when I have more confidence. I also took him to a special bird vet on Friday were he was check over and had some test done to check his general health and for diseases. I got a call that afternoon with the all clear.

Hubby looooves him. He talks to him like a baby. He refers to me as Mummy and him as Daddy. I swear this bird has got more attention in the week we have had him then I have. He has been buying toys for it, holding it every night and getting up early so he can hold it before he has to go to work. I really think he is putting his paternal instincts that he has wanted to express in a child on to Zazu. It's not till we got him that I realized how much he needed this.

Higher power at work

Blogger will not let me leave comments on anyone's blog except for some freaky reason Chon from My path to insanity and beyond. Now I find this extremely amazing as Chon is currently going through the hardest path of Infertility. After her 5th IVF and 2 1/2 years of TTC she is miscarrying her first ever PG. I'm not sure if it a blogger thing or a higher power at work. I just seams strange that only her blog lets me comment at a time when she needs support now more than ever. She is such an amazing women who has supported me through all my IVF's. She has pick me up when I am down and is always a virtual shoulder to cry on.

Although, I feel helpless. I can't tell her I know how she feel because I don't as I have never experienced a Pregnancy and/or Miscarriage. I can only imagine the pain and thoughts inside her. I know if it was me I would be a mess and probably think that I'm never going to be able to have a child. I would be giving up. But I know that she is strong, and hopefully with the support for her family and friends (real and online) she will rise above and find strength to carry on.

Even though I was brought up with religion, I'm not a religious person. However I do believe that there is a higher power and that everything happens for a reason. I know that the world doesn't always seen to be fair but I believe that it is all for a grant plan. Someone once told me this and it has stuck my head everytime I think about death.

"They need young people in heaven, as much as old people."

So if your reading this Chon, I'm sending you "spirit dust" it sort of like baby dust but it's to help give you hope and strengthen your spirit. 

Follow your destiny, where it leads you.

Walk your path one step at a time -with courage, faith and determination. Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm, and your footing will be solid again. A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow.

Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, and spectacular, and beyond your wildest dream.

-Vicki Silvers

 

Crazy Hormones

I have been feeling edgy for a little while now as I have been thinking more and more about my FET.
See last time I went to do the FET in Sept (after 2 failed IVF cycles) it was canceled due to endo and a cyst. So it was put on hold while I had another lap. Then I really lossed the plot. I needed a break.
Now over 6 month later and I feel really good emotionally. I am in the best head space I have been in years but now that the date of my FET is approaching, I'm starting to get gittery. I really want to be calm for this next cycle but my nerves are creeping in. I'm worried not only about the result and whether it will even defrosted. But also I'm worried that I will completely loose my mind again.
See I had a major emotional fits on Friday over nothing, I mean yes my periods were due and did come the next morning but still it was like my emotions aka hormones were taking over my body. One min I was angry then the next I was crying in the corner. I was snappy at Hubby which wasn't fair on him.  I was a whirl wind of emotions. Hubby was good he stayed away when I was fired up and cuddled me when I was teary. I apologized and explained to him the next day how I felt so up and down and even though my brain knew I was being ridiculous, my emotions were taking me on a crazy roller coaster and my mind just kept giving in to them. I'm not sure if it's the herbs and acupuncture that has fiddled with my hormones, but really the last thing I want from my FET is crazy hormonal me!
Fuck you hormones!

License to lecture!

My sister and me do a little market business on the side. We make and sell girls accessories. Anyway today we were at a market at a childcare centre and as I do every time we go to a market, I walk around and look at all the other stalls. Today there was a lady that had made and sold children's and baby clothes. I walked pass and asked how she was going which is typical market talk for, "Are you making money today." She said she wasn't doing great and I said well your stuff is very cute but I don't have children. She then said, "You should have a baby."
                                Umm................ WTF!!!
I had never met this women. She hadn't gotten any personal info from me. I know she may have seen my wedding and engagement ring but what a comment to make. I so felt like turning around and telling her, "Well I fucking can't have a baby, but thanks for the kick in the gut when it's hard enough looking at all the kids and there families here." But as I'm a lady of etiquette and class I simple smiled. But really what makes her think she can just say things like that. I'm sure she was probably pisses off she wasn't doing well in sales and wanted me to buy something but how dare she say that to someone without knowing them. I know I'm a little edgy at the moment (About that next post) but I really don't think I'm over reacting here. I mean even if I could have children, why should she be able to say that to someone. Seriously rude!

Haidee's Baby Shower

Haidee's Baby Shower

Attempted poetry

By Jill

Haidee I met you back in two thousand and nine,

I have enjoyed getting to know you over time.

I love your cheery spirit and manner,

even when your not completely hammered.

You are such a support to all,

without wanting anything at all.

Infertility is such a tough road,

only thing you didn't do was lick a toad.

I'm so glad you are preggy,

after collecting those eggies.

Hope your baby boy,

gives you nothing but joy.

Food for the party!

Mickey Cup Cakes

Made with Flour, Eggs, Sugar, Milk and Disney Magic.

Presents

A mickey mouse costume for you baby boy to wear to parties and on Halloween.

 A year supply of nappies. 

Did you know in a baby s first year, new parents will have brought home an average of 2,788 diapers for a total cost of $557.60. 

All the best Haidee!

My Herb Lab

2 weeks ago my acupuncturist put me on some Chinese herbs. There were 4 types of herbs that are to be taken at different times during my cycle. Before ovulation, during ovulation, after ovulation and blood moving during AF. I was extremely happy with these as I feel it totally makes sense to take different herbs at different times in my cycle. However there was 2 problems. One was when I got them home and went to take them, I couldn't.

CD 5 - I tried rolling them in honey...I vomited.
CD 6 - I tried mixing them in water...I vomited.
CD 7 - I tried mixing them in juice...I vomited.

I went back to her on Friday and explained my issue and how I have bad gag reflexes. She told me that the next batch she will do a customized order of capsules. But for now I can make them up in empty capsules from the chemist. So Saturday night my kitchen benched looked like a drug lab. I had measuring spoons, empty capsules, containers of different herbs. If the cops walked in I'm sure I would have been cuffed on the spot. Anyway after about an hour I had all the capsules filled and in nicely labeled containers ready to go. Now comes to the second problem. If you have to take them at different stages of your cycle and your cycles are irregular what do you do? I was given 2 choices by my acupuncturist. To temp every morning, (NO Fucking way I'm doing that again.) or OPK's. So I choose OPK's. So I started to POAS from day 12. Day 12 was negative and since my last 2 cycles had been 26 days I thought I may have missed ovulation. Then last night on day 13 I got a faint positive so I started my ovulation herbs. Then the thought comes to mind..........................Should we try! Now Hubby and I have not actively tried naturally since before IVF in Dec 2009.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to put the pressure back on us both but felt the positive OPK was hard to ignore. So without putting any pressure on us we did the "doona dance". Then Hubby popped into the shower at which point I would normally follow but I decided why not give it my all. So I laid there and put a pillow under my butt for a good 10 mins.

The problem now is that my OPK's came with a Preg Test. Now I hate, hate, hate Preg Tests but I keep seeing it sitting in the bathroom and now it's putting that, "could it have worked" thoughts in my head and I hate this feeling. I don't want a 2ww. I hate 2ww's. Arrrrrrrr! See, the point to the herbs and acupunture is to help relax me, regulate my cycles and get me ready for my FET in 2ish months time. Now I feel like I'm back to actively trying and I don't want to get my hopes up, as I have been burnt too many times. Maybe I can ignore my 2ww. Well here is to trying anyway!

Professionals in Infertility

I have found that I have come to a point in my TTC journey where I have tried every possible professional field that I know of. I started with a naturopath, OPK's, temping, diet, Chinese Acupuncture with Chinese herbs, then IVF and drugs, then to fertility naturopath, then Japanese Acupuncture with Chinese herbs (Just started). I'm not sure there is anything else I can try. The thing that bugs me the most is that I have invested my time, money and especially emotions into each one of there professionals that all clam to be able to get me PG. Most were surprised that they didn't get me PG. I mean if they don't know why I didn't get PG then how am I suppose to know. I've tried everything I can possibly do and you know what I pretty much done. I'm not sad about this but just relieved. I do plan on doing the FET (Only have 1 frozen) in July and that's why I'm doing the Japanese Acupuncture. But I'm not sure I want to continue after that. I'm not depressed or unhappy, I actually the opposite. I'm happy in my life and I just want to let go of the negative infertility stuff. I enjoy my life and have truly accepted my life as a childless couple. If I had read this post by someone else 6 months ago I would have thought she was sad and giving up and I would have told her not to give up. But honestly I don't feel I'm giving up. I feel like I'm moving on. Hubby keeps joking that the FET will work now that we have both found acceptance. I'm just want to leave it to fate. If we are meant to be parents then it will happen and I will love and cherish that baby more than anything. But if it doesn't then I will continue our life with different goals. Adoption was on the table but we have decided against that now. I just feel that the cost is just too much and I would rather put that towards something else.

I often read some other peoples posts about how angry they are at the world for not letting them have a baby and although I was like that from the beginning of TTC April 2008 and till November 2010. I'm just not like that anymore. I hit rock bottom in September 2010 and since working through that I have come out of the fog and have acceptance my life. I know longer monitor my cycles, I know longer feel pain or envy when I see a baby. I know longer get upset when a big belly women is in front of me. And I don't care if someone announces if there PG. I'm happy for them. I'm happy that they have a wonderful gift inside them that they can share with the world. It's a great place to be at accepting infertility and letting go. Now don't get me wrong my heart still would love a baby and I sometimes think about it but it no longer controls my life.

Definition of acceptance in grief stages: This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. We can now simply accept the reality of the loss. 

Here is a great link about the stages of grief in Infertility. 
http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2004/04/the_cycle_of_gr.html

Bad Neighbour Part II

Well as Hubby and I pulled out of our driveway this morning we saw the most beautiful thing on our next door's front lawn. "A FOR SALE SIGN" Hallelujah! We both couldn't help smiling. I now know why he was pressure hosing on the weekend. I'm so glad I didn't send a note. Oh I hope it sells fast. It's the 4th house for sale in our street and 2 are right next door to him. A builder sub divided land and built a new house on 1 block and renovated the existing house. So I hope that doesn't slow the sale down. 

See girls, sometimes wishes do come true. Although I hope the new neighbours will be nice.

Bad Neighbour

Ok, so I have been running a total legal childcare business from my home for 3 months. I have parents coming to drop the kids off and picking the kids up. Normally drop off and pick up times are spread out to allow one parent to park in my driveway at a time. See directly in front of my house is a no parking zone and there is only street parking about 4 houses up.
Anyway this afternoon the train line that hubby catches was broken down due to the storm this afternoon,  so his brother picked him up from work and parked in our driveway when he got home at 5:10. Since my last kid is picked up by 5pm on Tuesdays he thought they would be gone. Turns out the kids mum go held up in traffic and didn't get here till 5:20. Anyway she walked into my house and said she parked in next doors driveway. Within 1min of her walking in, the next door neighbour was knocking on my door. I opened the door and he pointed straight at the mum and said, "Move your car out of my driveway, that's fucking rude." Now this neighbour is a bit weird anyway. He never says hello to me and only occasionally to hubby. He then repeated to say to this women as she walked to her car and why I was watching the kids inside, "That's fucking rude, do you have a driveway at your place." She replied, "Yes and I would let someone park in it for a few mins when it's raining and they had twin 18 month olds to pick up." (Good one, you go mama) He then said, "It's fucking rude." She then said, "Well it's fucking rude to pressure hose your side path and make a huge mess in your neighbours place." (Ohhhhh, no she didn't) See the story is on the weekend he pressure hosed his side path and it made a muddy mess near my side door that the parents use to come in, so I had to apologies this morning as there was mud and dirt everywhere.

I did apologies to the Mum that she had to put up with this abuse and that he swore in front of the kids. (That pissed me off the most) and she said that maybe she should of kept her month shut about the pressure hose. (See it looks like I bitched about him to her.) But now it's all done I have this horrible feeling. I mean Yes she shouldn't have parked in his driveway, but he wasn't even going out, he was just being a dick and he should not had come to my front door and swore in front of children. I never talked to him anyway but I feel this awful feeling and I can't shake it. I hate conflict and since I work from home I hate that I have this horrible feeling every time I look out the window. OK maybe since this only happened under 2 hours ago I need to just calm down. I was almost going to write him a letter saying "I apologies for her parking there and I have told all the other clients not to park there. However I feel it was rude of you to swear at my client and especially in front of her children." But I'm not sure if that would just add fuel. Plus I'm angry and I know you should never do anything when your angry.
What would you girls do?

Chinese vs Japanese

I had my first Japanese Acupuncture appointment yesterday. And may I just say, Ahhhhh! I had acupuncture for 6 months from July to Dec 2009. However this was Chinese Acupuncture and OMG what a difference. I remember some of my infertile companions telling me how they feel so relaxed and almost fall asleep during acupuncture and I was dump founded that they could. When I was getting Chinese acupuncture the sensation was way too strong to even relax let alone fall asleep. I thought in may be my body, my pain thresh hold or even the very well trained and professional acupuncturist. Turns out I know now that it is fact the type of acupuncture. I have posted a link talking about the differences below:

http://www.efratsudai.com/2010/01/the-difference-between-chinese-and-japanese-acupuncture/

So the differences for me was:

1. I couldn't feel the needles. Chinese needles are 0.22mm thick and go in 1-5 cm deep and Japanese needles are 0.12mm and go in 1-5mm deep.

2. I felt a deep relaxed feeling in my body and considering I was in a strange and new environment that was amazing.

3. She wants to do weekly appointments for the next 3 months before I do my FET and when I do my FET, she said appointment before transfer and after. I was over the moon about this. See last time when I had Chinese acupuncture it was when I was naturally trying and I had it on ovulation (I was emailing her my temps daily) and also 10 to 12 days later (Implantation time).

I'm really excited about going back to her. Not only because for the first time in 8 months I'm doing something to get PG but also because Japanese Style Acupuncture makes me feel good. I also now have a plan, 3 months of weekly acupuncture then my FET. My poor snow baby will think I forgot about it. It been on ice since July last year because it's Mummy had a break down after 2 fail IVF's in May and July and then getting told my endo had grown back and I had another lap to remove it in Sept. But that's all in the past and after some councelling and a long break I'm really to start this new chapter. I just hope that my snow baby defrosts in 3 months and then takes.

Please, please please make this be it.

Faces!

During this Infertility Journey I have meet some wonderful people over the net. Some people I have been in contact with for short periods of time and some a little longer. But the strange thing is,  some of them I have never even seen their faces. I of course have invented images in my head of what they look like and after later seeing some photo's those images changed. But I still visilise them in my head.

As you may or may not be aware, I'm one of the anti-FB people. It's not that I care if people are on. (My Hubby is.) I'm just not interested and I do see a lot of trouble that it causes. See I am a very open person in life. If someone asked if we have kids. I tell them the whole story. (The short version) I don't have secrets and I always try to be truthful. Therefore I feel that FB and me wouldn't get along. Hubby never write anything serious and not too offen. He normally writes movie quotes, song lines and if he does write something personal, it's only something special. I on the other hand have never joined but I know if I did, I would end up saying something that I shouldn't had and not being able to take it back.

However I do sometimes feel this pull to join. Not to see peoples faces but to contact people that I was friends with in real life. I had a special friend who I knew for 3 years and now she is in the UK. We started emailing for the first few months then the time got longer and now it been months. I remember her asking me to join FB before she left, so we could keep in touch. I of course objected and now 1.5 years later. I feel I have lost the friendship. It may have happened anyway but I do wonder, If I had joined FB would it have changed things? I'm not the type of person to do something because my friends tell me too. That was what my hubby liked most about me in high school. I did what I wanted and not what my friends wanted. He respected that and I do too. So many people have begged me to join, everyone in my life under 40 and even my 54 year old mum has one. So why don't I want to join. Am I just being stubborn and don't want to give in to the pressure and say I was wrong. Or is it just another thing I don't need in my life.

I guess the internet scares me sometimes. I worry if I paste a photo on the net that it could be photo shopped or my words changed. I feel comfort in being an ANYBODY on here. I'm know as Jill (which is my real name, well Jillian but everyone calls me Jill) But I can be anyone and say anything. No one in my real life know about this blog. (Except Hubby but he doesn't read it.) I have freedom and you know what.........I love it.

Award

I would like to say a big thank you to Ants for giving me this award. It's my first blog award and I feel very touched that I was given it. I feel that considering that the small number of blog I follow was also given the award. So I wanted to do something different. I wanted to tell my fav bloggers what I love about them. Then since my last post was 10 thing I hate about me. I thought I would write 10 things I love about me.

Tee - I love that you are always so funny and honest in your posts. If the shit smells, you say it smells like shit and don't say it smells like roses. I'm a lot like that.

Haidee - I love that you are such a giving and caring poster. If someone is down, you help comfort them. Your going to be a great mum!

Ree - I love that you are such a soft natured and quiet person. You are always supportive and kind and would never say anything to hurt anyone.

Chon - I love that your not afraid to voice you option and put people in their place if they are being rude or insensitive. You are a very honest person and that's a quality I value.

Ants - I love that you are so sincere and have great ethics. You care about the environment, nature and animals. Even though I'm not a huge animal lover, I do care about the environment and also hate the amount of plastic in the world. I use NO plastic toys in my day care except a 2 push bike that I hire. (Read below)

Now for my bit.


10 things I love about me.

1. I love my feet. My feet are my favorite part of my body. They are soft and small and perfect (If I do say so myself.) I have even got a tattoo of a heart on my left foot. It is the only one I have and I will most likely not get anymore, but I love it.

2. I love my wedding and engagement ring and I think I did a good job designing my wedding ring to match my engagement ring. I love, love, love jewelery. I make some beaded jewlery from time to time.

3. I love that I'm not afraid to laugh at myself. I love joking around and laughing. I love telling funny stories and hearing them too.

4. I love that I have a gift with children. I have had a passion for children and babies since I was young and I feel children sense my gift. I have worked with children my whole adult life and I can't imagine doing anything else. 

5. I love that I run a very natural and free exploring program in my in home day care. I love that I have things clean, tidy and organized but still have a program that is based on resources that are real and have no plastic. Here is a link to my Philosophy - http://www.littleacornstomightyoaks.co.uk/Articles/Treasure_basket

6. I love my boobs. They are a perfect size in proportion to my body. Not too big, not too small. I take a 12C or 12D depending on the bra.

7. I love the fact that I am organized. I love being organized, I love organizing things, I love rearranging things and solving problems so that things are organized and tidy.

8. I love that my friend Lauren and I have been friend for over 16 years and we can talk about anything. She has supported me through all my Infertility and has always said the right things and never judged.

9. I love that my parents are still happily married after over 30 years of marriage. My mum was 18 years when she got married and dad was 26. When I got married at 23 and hubby 22. We got a few criticisms from people that we were too young. But Mum and Dad were behind us 100%. They knew that we had been together 7 years and were in love. Plus they got married young and are still together.

10. I love that I have a wonderful husband who cares about me as much as I care about him. I love that we know what each others thinking and that we spend most of our free time happily together.

This list was so much harder than my post "10 things I hate about me." Sometimes it's harder to sing your own praise than to criticize yourself.

10 things I hate about me!

1. Sometimes I talk too much. I'm a very chatty person. I love catting to people and socializing. I'm not a 1 side chatter as I always ask others about there life but I sometimes find myself saying, "Stop talking."

2. I have a little mowy. Not a big hairy mowy but a few light hairs and yes I wax it, thank you very much! But I hate it. Wish I didn't have to wax every 3 to 4 weeks when I get my brows done.

3. I hate that I am short. My Hubby is just over 6 foot and I'm 5 foot. That's a 30 cm difference. Most people say we look cute together but a few more inches wouldn't go astray.

4. I get migraines. They mostly are hormonal (Just before AF) but also alcohol and stress brings them on. So I never drink and I occasionally miss out on thing as I'm in bed in pain. Sometimes they aren't too bad and I can drug up and put on a smile. Then others feel like my head is going to explode and I have to hibernate under my bed covers.

5. I hate being a middle child. I have an older sister who is 3.5 years older than me and a brother who is 2.5 years younger than me. Don't get me wrong we are a very close family and my parents were always fair on all of us, but unless you are a middle child yourself, you just don't understand that "Middle child syndrome" really does exist. I remember my grandpa use to favor my brother. (Only grandson) and my Grandma use to always tell my sister how she was the first grandchild. What was I? That's right, The Middle Child!

6. I'm dyslexic. For those of you who don't know what this is let be break it down. I had a lot of trouble learning as a kid and sometimes still do. I'm Auditory Dyslexic. So I have trouble listening and concentrating. I have perfect hearing but I often hear words differently. For example when I was younger I would see the word THE. I would see T H E but I would say "a". Why you ask, because they sound the same. That's an auditory dyslexic. The other type is a Visual Dyslexic. They are the people that see words jumping around the page. (That's not me.) Anyway I did a huge amount of extra stuff as a kid. Every afternoon after school my mum would do extra work with me and also she took me to every specialist there was. And the results are clear. I'm a full functioning adult with a diploma in childcare and a successful business. Even though a lot of my success is for what my mum did,  I also have been diagnosed with an above average IQ. That has been a big help too.

7. I hate that I am a bit of a complainer. If I have aches and pains. I wine at Hubby. He often tell me I'm wining and I have to stop myself. I think it all part of the 1st point, "talking too much." I just say things and don't ever think.

8. I hate that I have little fashion sense. I often wear black and grey stuff. I'm not very experimental with colour. I do love jewelery and I often use funky necklaces to brighten my wardrobe but pretty much it's black and grey all the way. Take right now for instance, black and grey layered top with black leggings with tiny white dots. See no colour? I do own a few red and pink items but if you open my wardrobe right now, I guarantee that 80 to 90% would be grey or black.

9. I hate that I worry. Yes I worry a lot. I worry about money, I worry about work,  I worry about my cleaning not being done (I'm an OCD cleaner), I worry about a messy house, I worry about my family, I worry about my friends, , I worry about traffic, I worry about dinner, I worry about my health, I worry about giving birth, I worry about being a mum, I worry about not being a mum, I worry about my teeth falling out, I worry about cancer, I worry about death, I worry about worrying too much!

10. Well I think you all can guess what number 10 is....................... I hate the fact that my body won't have a baby.

Playing Mummy & Daddy

Well this weekend Hubby and I played Mummy and Daddy and No we didn't sit at the table pretending to drink tea why I held a doll in my arms like we did when we were 3. But there was a 3 year old involved.

See from 3:30pm Friday afternoon to 11am Sunday we looked after Hubbies 3 year old niece, C.
We had looked after her overnight when she was a baby but that was 2 years ago. So we were both super excited to have her. Hubby was probably more excited as he had told me on Thursday that he had all this stuff planned.

Friday afternoon I picked C up and then we drove into the city and picked Hubby up from work. C asked if we had swings at our house, as she had never been there. We replied "No". So we decided to take her to the park for the afternoon. It was nice pushing her on the swings and watching her go down the slide. We even bumped into one for her friends with her Mum who I had meet a number of time. So we had a little chat why the kids played. Then it was getting dark and late so we decided to head home and thought we might just get some takeaway on the way home. So I asked C what she wanted and she replyed. "Quack, quack." Luckly the other girls mother was still in the car park and I asked her what "quack, quack" was. She said that's C name for Macs. Who know why it's quack quacks. But we went anyway. After dinner we watched a kids movie and I pretend to be scared and she kept covering me with a blacket and telling when to look and when to cover my head. So cute! Then Hubby read her a story and then it was bed time. But she didn't want to sleep in our spare bed with pretty pink sheets. No she wanted to sleep on our bedroom floor on a tiny cot mattress that her feet hung over. Anyway, she ended up coming up onto our bed twice during the night but I managed to get her back onto the mattress. Then in the morning we both looked at each other and said. It's too early. But we got up anyway. As I was getting dressed to go out for the day, C came in and I couldn't help doing her hair and giving her some lip gloss. We then headed to the museum and the science center. She had heaps of fun but did get scared by a few things. Then after lunch we headed home. Due to the fact I had to work for a few hours that night and the fact that C looked tired. We both curled up and had a nap. Then I left for work, why Hubby was left to play Daddy by himself.

When I got home at 11pm. She was on the mattress but not asleep. Hubby said that he went to his Mum's for dinner and bathed her there and got home and she wanted to watch a movie and it had only just finished. Hummmm!

Anyway she was asleep by the time I had got out of the shower and then up at 5 the next morning. I managed to convice her to try to go back to sleep. She did for another hour. We then had a lovely breakfast together and then we took her home to her parents.

We sure did learn a lot about each other and it was lovely to have her here but Hubby and me were tired and ready to give her back. Although when we did get home we both felt the house had a quietness to it. But I guess that is a reality of Infertility.

Pins and Needles

Back in 2009 when I was naturally trying, I had 6 months of acupuncture. The first 4 month regulated my cycles and help my cramps. However I gave it up due to the last 2 months had stopped working (Irregular periods and cramps again) and also because I was ready to start Assisted Conception (IVF).

However I have been seeing a fertility naturopath and he has put me on lots of yucky herbs and he said he uses lots of Chinese herbs in his mixers and is very much for acupuncture. So I have been thinking about getting back into it. I have decided I won't be going back to my previous acupuncturist. Don't get me wrong she was great. (I knew her personally.) But she didn't specialize in fertility. So this time I'm going to a acupuncturist that I have researched independently and is a specialists in fertility. I'm hopping this might be my key to success.

So my plan is after 3 months of my fertility naturapath's herbs. (Started in March) and 1 month of acupuncture (first appointment 29th May) then in June do my FET cycle that I have been putting off for almost a year now. I will continue with the herbs and accuputure during and after my FET if my Fertility Specialist says I can. But I'm just wanting to give my body a good chance to clean out my uterus for my Snow baby to live in for 9 months.
That's the plan anyway.

Caught in my mind.

I'm in 3 mind sets at the moment. My mind keeps jumping from 3 stong feelings that are completely contridicting each other.

Head space 1:
I want a baby so much and I would give anything to get it. Why am I stuck with this infertility? I want a baby of my own so bad, I want a baby, I WANT A BABY!

Head space 2:
I think our lives are wonderful the way they are. A baby is a lot of work. Maybe we are better to live a childless life.

Headspace 3:
Ok, obviously we are not going to have a biological child. It's really time to move onto adoption waiting lists. Maybe our purpose in life is to help a child that needs a loving home.

Arrrr! I think I am caught between hope and acceptance. Which is a total contradiction? The reality is that I have been trying for 3 years and my body is getting really fucked up from the endo and IVF. I have cramps most days and due to that alone I'm not surprised a baby can't grow in there. I have tried every fertility person I know, who all said they would get me PG and all were shocked when I didn't. When do you surrender and move on.

I started seeing a fertility naturopath about 5 weeks ago who has gotten 5000 women PG. He said that I can get PG naturally (heard that before) but he also said my body is not in good shape and at some point if I continue with IVF and the Endo keeps growing, that I will get to the point were my body will be too fucked up to have a baby. I kind of knew this was on the table after doing lots of research on endo but after hearing it from an expert, it makes it hit deeper. I feel that my body has never really recovered since my 2nd lap to remove the endo and the 2 IVF cycles just before that on top. I have irregular periods, daily cramps and even thought I'm not "fat" I have got a belly. It looks like I'm PG. (Which I have been asked a number of times.) See most of my body is a good healthy shape except my belly. To top it off my herbs that my fertility naturopath gave me have a side effect is weight gain and guess where that weight has gone to, my belly. I hate my body! It's fuck up and I feel it is time to stop kidding myself into thinking I going to get PG. Because even though I would love to believe my fertility naturopath, I just feel he is just going to be another person to try and then turn around a few months later and be surprised it didn't work.

I think I need to see my counsellor.

To test or not to test

I feel that us IF are divided into 2 types. "The Testers" and "The Non-Testers". I personally am very much a non-tester. I hate preggie test and will avoid them at all cost. I would rather see a red streak on toilet paper as my BFN than 1 lonely line on a little white stick. But that's just who I am. See even if I do a test and it is negative, the back of my mind wonders. Then I play mind games with myself and get myself into a tizzy. So most of the time I wait for the bitch to show, however sometimes she is late for the scheduled appointment and leaves me wondering. So I made a rule a while ago. Anything later than 5 days and I would test.

However I been starting to wonder lately and especially after beautiful Tee got a positive then started bleeding a few hours later, whether us "Non-testers" have maybe got a BFP but lost it before we had tested and just assumed it was AF as normal.

I remember very clearly after about 8 or so months of TTC, I got my period and I can't remember if it was on time or late. (They are always so irregular) But I remember walking to the shops for women's supplies as I had just started day 1 and only had the pad I was wearing and no car. Arrr! So when I got to the shop I felt a lump fall from my "hoo hoo". I had to quickly run for the bathroom and there was a big clot the size of 1/2 a golf ball. I then tried to sort myself out and quickly dash to the chemist and then back to the bathroom. I then was a bit shaken but decided why I was there I would do a bit of a shop to take my mind off it, however sure enough 5 mins later I felt another lump drop. I made another made dash to the bathroom again and saw another clot but not as big as the first one. I then decided it was time start walking home and to rest.

I never did have any more since that day but I do wonder. Do us "Non-testers" miscarry early and just not know? As a non-tester, I would rather not know but I do wonder.........

Feeling the change

I feel like I have changed over the past week. See before blogging, I was accepting my infertility and had not giving the baby stuff much thought. (See first post) However as I have been blogging, my feeling are changing. I'm starting to get that strong urge to want a baby again and my brain is getting obsessed with it. Arrrr! I always knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to give up but sometimes it felt nice to bury that feeling for a bit. See I'm not unhappy like I was a year ago but I'm just getting that desire back to be a mum. I even did something crazy on Friday. It's been 2.5 years since I brought any items for "when I have a baby" but on Friday I brought a "Oroton" nappy bag that I had been eyeing off for around a year. It was getting discontinued and was on sale @ 55% off. So I just thought, what the hell, I fingered all the shit I have been through to get a baby I desire 1 special thing for me. See I was faced with the dilemma when it went on sale. Do I buy it and hope I get to use it or walk away feeling empty. So I choose to buy it.

But after getting it home, examining each pocket and imagining what will go where and then putting it carefully back in it's protective pouch I started to have this strange feeling. I had this feeling of hope. See I have a funny gut feeling that we are going to get pregnant this year. It's like nothing I have felt before. I'm not sure if it is because my head is clear for the first time in 3 years and I'm happy in my life. (AKA positive thinking.) OR if it's something deeper than that. See I knew way down deep in my heart 1 week before the results of both my IVF's came back that it hadn't work. It was something in me telling me that it hadn't worked but now that voice is saying, "This year." God I hope it's right and I'm not just being crazy so I can justify the purchase of a designer nappy bag without even being pregnant.

What the fuck is happening to me?