60 mins and a few tears.

I'm not sure if anyone saw 60 mins tonight but it was very moving. Hormonal me was in tears throughout one particular story. It was about a women who was pretty much told she couldn't have children, her husband had a very low sperm count and had given up. Then at, wait for it.........50, she fell pregnant naturally. She is the oldest women in Australia to have conceived naturally. I mean WOW! I was so touched. Her and her husband seemed like genuinely lovely people and I think they will be wonderful parents. They showed her at the end with the bub and they were such wonderful parents. It just really makes you think that miracles really can happen and like my little miracle, they can happen when you least expect it.

Here is a link to the 60 min web page.

Chon and Tee you are still young. HELLO 50!

Tears of release.

I just watch these 2 music videos and had a huge ugly cry. I really think this was that release I have been needing. It feel like I'm letting go of my pain so I can let in some happiness.

Baby, now that I've found you. By Allison Krauss

Baby Mine By Allison  Krauss

8 weeks, well tomorrow.

I had an ultra sound on Friday which I thought was an 8 week scan but it turns out I was 2 days ahead of myself and I'm not 8 weeks till tomorrow. I'm really happy because Dr T gave me the exact due date which is the 4th March 2012. Hubby was also super excited before, during and after this appointment. We saw something that resembled a head and the heart in the middle of the blob. We also got to hear the heart beating for a few second. It was amazing. Last appointment my doctor wasn't very excited but this appointment was soooo different. He asked about what find of labour I wanted, gave me lots of info, asked about the "downs" test which we have declined as we would not aboard it if it was so what is the point to the test. Also we got to take home a goody bag full of samples and the most amazing thing.... our babies first photo. It doesn't look like much but hey it means the world to me. Hubby was so cute he took it to work and showed his boss and I took it to my acupuncturist. (Yes I'm still having weekly treatments.)  My sister did up a pregnancy album with journey entries and photos when she was PG. So yesterday after the scan I brought a little album and next friday we are going to sit together and start mine. My sister is very creative and likes to scrapbook. I on the other hand have failed at all my attempts to scrapbook and will need lots of guidance. Who are we kidding, I'll probably choose the decorations and she will probably put it together. 

Why lie?

So I work for myself but I have a company which I run my business under. Now in that company is staff and there are other women that do what I do too. Now I had to tell the staff that I was PG after being asked to do a physical task that I didn't feel was safe. That was fine and it doesn't bother me they know. However I was talking to one of the staff about it and told her a little about my journey. She then told me that C (another worker like me) went through the same kind of things. Now I know C and after she announced she was PG with non identical twin girls about 4 months ago, I started wondering if she had done IVF. So being the nosey person I am, I said to her, "Where they natually conceived?" She looked at me and said, "yes". Now that was months ago that she said it to me but I feel hurt. Why would she lie? I know she didn't know I was suffering with IF too but that is beside the point. Why are people so ashamed about infertility. I mean did it really matter if she had told the truth. If anything people would be more happy and understanding than if she keeps her mouth shut. Really why did she lie?

Thank you.

Firstly I wanted to say thank you to everyone's supportive comments after my last post. I really did need some support and like always my girls came through. I have been trying really hard over the past few days to relax and to stop stressing. I have started reading a pregnancy book which I brought at 5 weeks but was not ready to read. (Yes Tee it is "Up the duff.") I pick it up last night and started reading it. When I first read it 3 weeks ago I had a horrible feeling reading it and couldn't concentrate. But last night I found myself nodding and feeling reassured.

I have also started a new page on my blog called "My Pregnancy Diary". Which I feel is a step in a positive direction. (It was even hard to even put an app on my phone when I found out, so this is a huge step for me.) I have been writing notes in a notebook next to my bed but I would really like to transfer them onto my blog. My plan is to add to it each week of my pregnancy. Now the reason I have put it on a separate page is to allow my followers the choose if they would like to read it and not be blasted with weekly updates on their blog rolls. I will post a link on my main page if there is any big news but really the diary is more for me to write my thoughts.

Update:

Well the morning all day sickness has kicked in, which I know is a positive thing and I know I swore I would never complain but feeling sick all day is the pits. I have been eating fairly well. My favourite things at the moment are.

* Vegemite and cheese crackers. (Chon, Vegemite is like medicine for my sore tum tum)
* Apples and Strawberries
* Milk (I love milk and always have. As a teenager I used to drink 1 to 2 L of milk a day. No wonder I was a size 6 in year 12)
* Cornflacks
* And my true lifesaver, TIC TACS!

My body has had a few changes too. These include:

* Bigger and higher B00bs. Also last night I notice my ni99les are getting a little darker and they are also bumpy.
* My belly is tighter and considering I carry all my weight in my stomach, well lets just say I will have trouble keeping this a secret for much longer.
* I must say I haven't been to tired. Also considering I'm getting up at around 3:30am for a bit of a vomit, I think that is surprising. I'm normally the kind of person that NEEDS 8 hours of sleep to function. Oh I'm going to be in for a shock in 7 months time. Ahhhh!

Thanks again for your support.

7 weeks

I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I almost feel sad. Now I know you are all probably thinking that I should be over the moon that I'm pregnant but I still can't shake this feeling. I'm not sure if it is a hormone thing or just a normal reaction after IF. I am truly happy I'm preggy and DH and I have been talking about plans and stuff but I just feel that there is this wall that has stopped me from truly letting go. I'm worrying about not eating right. I worry about cramps. Hubby is worried about sex and won't do it even though the doctor said it is safe.

My fear was stepped up on Thursday when I was vomiting and feeling unwell. So I went to the doctors (Not my normal GP.) just to get checked out. She said it could be the flu, "no it's not, you don't have a temp." She asked if I had had the flu shot which I said no which I never have and have never had the flu. She was horrified and basically said I have to have it today. FUCK! The doctor then said the sooner I finish my job the better because I'm around kids and they are sick. FUCK, what now I'm a bad mum for working. Then she said I could be miscarrying. FUCK WHAT! She then went on to say lots of women misscarry at 7 weeks. I felt like saying, Yeah but most women don't take more than 3 years to get pregnant. Bit of fucking sensitivity please. Then she asked if I had cramps or spotting, "NO." Felt my uterus which was swollen which apparently is good. Then she said it could be gastro or food poisoning, Check my tummy. NO. Then she settled for a virus and morning sickness. Then sent me to the nurse for the flu shot. I then cried to the nurse saying I was scared about having the shot. She asked why and I said because I'm pregnant. She said it is safe and if I don't have it and get the flu I can m/c or have a birth defect. FUCK! Well I guess I'm a bad mum if I don't have it. I left feeling like a failure and I haven't even had the baby yet. Then today I told my acupuncturist about the doctor and she said "You didn't have the shot did you." Yes I did, FUCK!

I mean, what the fuck. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and I have no fucking idea what is going on. I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing or not doing. I don't know how I'm meant to feel or not meant to feel. It feels like I'm in the middle of nowhere, blind folded and I'm supposed to find my way home. I feel more scared now then I was during Infertility. I have another scan next Friday at 8 weeks which I'm looking forward to. But I just wish I could relax and enjoy this most wonderful gift I have been given.

My BFP secret

So I have been keeping a secret. Last Tuesday when my period was a few days late I poas and got 2 lines. A day later I saw the GP, the day after that a BT and the day after that got the results of HCG level of 1800. Now I thought that when the moment that I finally got a positive that I would want to yell it at the roof tops. But I didn't. I was shit scared. There has been so many m/c being announced that I just couldn't get pumped about it. I feel like a fish out of water. I've never fallen. I have never felt this and I certainly didn't feel like there was a baby inside me. I called my FS who is also a Obstetrician and the nurse booked me in for a 6 week scan. Apparently due to my endo and infertility, I'm a high risk pregnancy. I have been so worried about ectopic and just in general. Friday morning of the scan I vomited my breakfast up after a number of morning that week of feeling sick. So at 11am we went to Dr T where he did a u/s. The first thing he said was is there one or two. TWO I didn't even think about this. He said 1. I said, Is it were it should be and he replied yes. Finally I could breath after holding my breath for a week and a half. Then he was silent. My mind started to wonder. Fuck what is it in the right spot but is dead! He then pointed to the screen and said see that tiny white spot that's moving up and down. I squint and say "Yes." He then said, "That's the heartbeat." WHAT! OMG! Since then I have been up and down. I'm happy that there is a little peanut in there but nervous of the 15 to 20% chance we have of m/c. I told him I had morning sickness that morning and he told me that that was a good sign and that women with morning sickness are less likely to m/c. That night (last night) I felt sick and then dry reached about 5 times today. Then tonight hubby started cooking dinner and the smell make me run to the toilet and dry reach a few more times. Then I sat on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out. This was definitely the release that I had been needing since I found out.
I feel horrible that I hadn't told my followers but I was just not ready to write about it. I know that you girls will be my support if anything happens and I need that. I'm sorry it took this long to tell you all but I just wasn't ready for the congratulations. This really took me for a spin. I was planning my FET for the end of this month and certainly didn't except a positive test when I did it. I actually thought I might have had a cyst back and that's why I was late. Turns out I was wrong. The 2 lines came up before I even had time to put it down on the toilet paper. I said to my mum that it feels like it's a dream. She said, "It is a dream, a dream that you have wanted for over 3 years."