I started a blog!

Today I decided after lots of ummm's and arrrr's that I would start a blog. It seemed that I was reading so many blog that I was feeling the urge to join in. I'm not normally a public person and I would never be caught dead on FB. So why a blog?
Well I was on a forum for around a year that really supported me and allowed me to express myself without judgment. I was just Jill, not Hubbies wife, not Mum and Dad's daughter, not a Co-worker and not a Friend. I was free to say how I felt without fear of how people would judge me.  I like this support group and it gave me hope and comfort to know that I wasn't alone in this TTC Journey.

However after my second failed IVF cycled I realized that I needed to get away from it. I need to stop letting Infertility control my life and I signed off the forum. Don't get me wrong it was a hard decision to make. But I was in a dark place and the only way to get out was to stop myself from talking about it.

So after some counseling and a 6 month break of not "trying". I began to have this feeling. A feeling I had never felt before. It was the feeling of Acceptence.

Acceptence of my Infertility.

Acceptance of my failed IVF cycles.

Acceptance  of the family I may never have.

and

Acceptance to not let Infertility control my life and I let go of this hold it had on me.

I then began to look at my life and realized I hadn't done anything in the past 3 years that gave my life meaning. All my goals, all my thoughts and all my passion was thrown into the TTC basket and I wasn't getting anywhere.

So I stopped and thought what is my true passion in life. And the answer was the same as it had been for my whole life. "Children" Then I thought well if I love children so much, why does my childcare job not give me the pleasure it did so long ago. I then relized the it wasn't just the TTC jounrney that was making me unhappy but my job too. I had been working in Childcare for 11 years and was done with the fast paced, go, go, go job. I needed a change.

It had to still be with children but with closer relationships and quality environments. I then thought Family Day Care. This had been an idea for years and years that when I had my own children that I would do Family Day Care so that I could be a Stay at home Mum and earn money. I never really thought that I would look at it as an option as a married women with no kids. But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to do it.

So here I am 1 month into it and for the first time in 3 years, I'm Happy. Don't get me wrong I still want to have a child of my own more that anything but I know longer let my life be controlled by it and I'm not wasting my life by counting tears and expecting a BFP every month. Hubby and I are not actively trying but not using any protection either. Sure I see some CM and think for a moment. "Am I ovulating", then I think......Whatever.