Caught in my mind.

I'm in 3 mind sets at the moment. My mind keeps jumping from 3 stong feelings that are completely contridicting each other.

Head space 1:
I want a baby so much and I would give anything to get it. Why am I stuck with this infertility? I want a baby of my own so bad, I want a baby, I WANT A BABY!

Head space 2:
I think our lives are wonderful the way they are. A baby is a lot of work. Maybe we are better to live a childless life.

Headspace 3:
Ok, obviously we are not going to have a biological child. It's really time to move onto adoption waiting lists. Maybe our purpose in life is to help a child that needs a loving home.

Arrrr! I think I am caught between hope and acceptance. Which is a total contradiction? The reality is that I have been trying for 3 years and my body is getting really fucked up from the endo and IVF. I have cramps most days and due to that alone I'm not surprised a baby can't grow in there. I have tried every fertility person I know, who all said they would get me PG and all were shocked when I didn't. When do you surrender and move on.

I started seeing a fertility naturopath about 5 weeks ago who has gotten 5000 women PG. He said that I can get PG naturally (heard that before) but he also said my body is not in good shape and at some point if I continue with IVF and the Endo keeps growing, that I will get to the point were my body will be too fucked up to have a baby. I kind of knew this was on the table after doing lots of research on endo but after hearing it from an expert, it makes it hit deeper. I feel that my body has never really recovered since my 2nd lap to remove the endo and the 2 IVF cycles just before that on top. I have irregular periods, daily cramps and even thought I'm not "fat" I have got a belly. It looks like I'm PG. (Which I have been asked a number of times.) See most of my body is a good healthy shape except my belly. To top it off my herbs that my fertility naturopath gave me have a side effect is weight gain and guess where that weight has gone to, my belly. I hate my body! It's fuck up and I feel it is time to stop kidding myself into thinking I going to get PG. Because even though I would love to believe my fertility naturopath, I just feel he is just going to be another person to try and then turn around a few months later and be surprised it didn't work.

I think I need to see my counsellor.