I have found that I have come to a point in my TTC journey where I have tried every possible professional field that I know of. I started with a naturopath, OPK's, temping, diet, Chinese Acupuncture with Chinese herbs, then IVF and drugs, then to fertility naturopath, then Japanese Acupuncture with Chinese herbs (Just started). I'm not sure there is anything else I can try. The thing that bugs me the most is that I have invested my time, money and especially emotions into each one of there professionals that all clam to be able to get me PG. Most were surprised that they didn't get me PG. I mean if they don't know why I didn't get PG then how am I suppose to know. I've tried everything I can possibly do and you know what I pretty much done. I'm not sad about this but just relieved. I do plan on doing the FET (Only have 1 frozen) in July and that's why I'm doing the Japanese Acupuncture. But I'm not sure I want to continue after that. I'm not depressed or unhappy, I actually the opposite. I'm happy in my life and I just want to let go of the negative infertility stuff. I enjoy my life and have truly accepted my life as a childless couple. If I had read this post by someone else 6 months ago I would have thought she was sad and giving up and I would have told her not to give up. But honestly I don't feel I'm giving up. I feel like I'm moving on. Hubby keeps joking that the FET will work now that we have both found acceptance. I'm just want to leave it to fate. If we are meant to be parents then it will happen and I will love and cherish that baby more than anything. But if it doesn't then I will continue our life with different goals. Adoption was on the table but we have decided against that now. I just feel that the cost is just too much and I would rather put that towards something else.
I often read some other peoples posts about how angry they are at the world for not letting them have a baby and although I was like that from the beginning of TTC April 2008 and till November 2010. I'm just not like that anymore. I hit rock bottom in September 2010 and since working through that I have come out of the fog and have acceptance my life. I know longer monitor my cycles, I know longer feel pain or envy when I see a baby. I know longer get upset when a big belly women is in front of me. And I don't care if someone announces if there PG. I'm happy for them. I'm happy that they have a wonderful gift inside them that they can share with the world. It's a great place to be at accepting infertility and letting go. Now don't get me wrong my heart still would love a baby and I sometimes think about it but it no longer controls my life.
Definition of acceptance in grief stages: This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. We can now simply accept the reality of the loss.
Here is a great link about the stages of grief in Infertility.
http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2004/04/the_cycle_of_gr.html
I wish I could stop being angry at the world. perhaps I will get to that stage one day.
ReplyDeleteClewis, I can see that in your posts. Best advice I can give you is to talk to a professional. I had 3 hour sessions to get to this point.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are in a good place Jill. I think I am on my way to where you are, starting to think about life without kids and knowing that we will be happy if that is the case. I guess you just get to the point where you accept that it's probably not going to happen and start looking towards other things.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right Jill. I also went to see a counsellor especially after my MC and felt a lot better. I made many decisions that I was comfortable with. Luckily I fell PG and had my child. I hope the next journey you take is full of life and laughter. Good luck with your next FET.
ReplyDeleteWow what a positive way to write about something so traumatic...I believe in that too and have learnt to always turn a negative in the positive even though this is easier said then done...you sound like you are in a good place and hoping your last endeavours grant you what you wish you for....
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