I feel like I have changed over the past week. See before blogging, I was accepting my infertility and had not giving the baby stuff much thought. (See first post) However as I have been blogging, my feeling are changing. I'm starting to get that strong urge to want a baby again and my brain is getting obsessed with it. Arrrr! I always knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to give up but sometimes it felt nice to bury that feeling for a bit. See I'm not unhappy like I was a year ago but I'm just getting that desire back to be a mum. I even did something crazy on Friday. It's been 2.5 years since I brought any items for "when I have a baby" but on Friday I brought a "Oroton" nappy bag that I had been eyeing off for around a year. It was getting discontinued and was on sale @ 55% off. So I just thought, what the hell, I fingered all the shit I have been through to get a baby I desire 1 special thing for me. See I was faced with the dilemma when it went on sale. Do I buy it and hope I get to use it or walk away feeling empty. So I choose to buy it.
But after getting it home, examining each pocket and imagining what will go where and then putting it carefully back in it's protective pouch I started to have this strange feeling. I had this feeling of hope. See I have a funny gut feeling that we are going to get pregnant this year. It's like nothing I have felt before. I'm not sure if it is because my head is clear for the first time in 3 years and I'm happy in my life. (AKA positive thinking.) OR if it's something deeper than that. See I knew way down deep in my heart 1 week before the results of both my IVF's came back that it hadn't work. It was something in me telling me that it hadn't worked but now that voice is saying, "This year." God I hope it's right and I'm not just being crazy so I can justify the purchase of a designer nappy bag without even being pregnant.
What the fuck is happening to me?
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