Shut up Doll

I was in the toy department at Big W tonight looking for a birthday present for Hubbies niece. Anyway I walked passed this doll and it giggled. It took me by surprise because there was nobody else around. So I turned around and then it said," I love you mummy." I could of punched it in the face but instead I huffed and continued my shopping. A little later Hubby joined me after choosing another DVD to add to the millions we have. (Yes, my Hubby is addicted to DVD's) Anyway we walked past the doll again, unintentional of course. And it giggled. I looked at Hubby and said, "This Fucking Doll." it then said, "I love you Mummy." I then knew it was time to go home before the doll got it.

It's silly I know, but it felt like the thing was mocking me. Seriously my journey to motherhood is anything but funny. Stupid Doll! As you guessed I didn't buy Hubbies niece a doll. Even though she loved "babies." She is getting books this year!

A Baby or A House?

So Hubby and I are in a position were, if we have a baby I will be able to be a SAHM for as long as I want. We have been renting my in-laws investment property for 6 months which is a large 3 bedroom house. We are paying cheap rent for what we are getting, as they have taken out the real estate costs and we pay them directly. They have owned the property for around 10 years and I don't feel they would sell it anytime soon. Also they have no morgage on the house so I don't think they would pull the rent up in a hurry. Plus we are pretty much able to do what we want to the house. So we have a good thing going on.

However Hubby is getting the itch to buy a house. This wouldn't be our first house we buy, as we brought our first house back in 2007 but sold it due to rising interest rates that caused Mortgage stress big time (Our last Mortgage was 100% hubbies wage and some of mine. ) and we wanted to have kids. Don't get me wrong I would love to have a house to call our own and Hubby is on a better wage than he was when we had the other house. But the house prices have gone up too.  However if we were to buy, that would mean I would have to work after the baby is like 12 weeks. I'm lucky because I now work from home looking after children. (Family Day Care) So it's not like they would go into formal care. They would be with me. However to be doing FDC at home we would have to buy a decent house (with 2 living spaces) and the mortgage would be 80% of Hubbies wage. So then there wouldn't be a choice to work or not. I would HAVE TO! I don't know if I want that pressure.

See I haven't told anyone yet but this is our last year of TTC. We have come to the point were we can't keep riding this roller coaster forever. So we decided in January this year that this was our last year of TTC and that next year we will put our names down for adoption, as we know that process takes years. Don't get me wrong I really want a baby of my own but I guess most people that suffer long term infertility would to get to a point were they say enough. Well we are almost there.

So Hubby and I decided to see this year out and then if nothing, then buy a house and move on to adoption.  It sound sad and it is but I'm kind of at peace with it. Sure I still have my sad days but at the end of the day we need to grow.

We have got plans for this year. I mean we still have 1 more Snow Baby from the last IVF cycle and we may do 1 more IVF, but really that would be it.  Currently I'm undertaking some highly successfully rated natural treatment which I will post about later. So we haven't jumped off the TTC rollercoaster yet but we sure are looking at the stops and wondering when we want to depart.

Job Application

WANTED: Responsible and reliable couple to become parents.

We are looking for a reliable and responsible couple to become parents. The couple must be of suitable age, preferably over 18. They must be in a long term committed relationship and be able to withstand the pressure of the job at hand. Previous experience is encouraged, even if only on a casual basis. The role would be unpaid so therefore the couple must be financially stable. Also a full mental check will be coducted during the interviews, so please be aware that "nutcases" need not apply. However we will take into consideration the emotional strain of couple who have been for may interview and realize this may effect them at time. Particularly when reports are due. (AF)

Applications are open till future notice.
Please forward to: Wana B Preggie



Dear Wana B Preggie

I feel that my husband and I would be perfect for this position. We are both 28 years old so totally in the age range of health conception and are very mature. We have been in a close and healthly relationship for 13 years with 5 1/2 of them married. We are in a really good financial state, where we would be able to live on Hubbies wage and therefore I would be able to give up my job to focus on this position full time and my husband would assist me on a part time basic.
I feel that together we both have more than enough experience as we both have work both nights and days on a casual basis on this kind of work and I personally have 11 years experience at a corporate level.
I look forward to the interview so you will be able to see first hand how great our skills are, not only individually but also as a team. I can assure you we are not "nutcases" however we have been for a number of interview over the past 3 years and at times we do get frustrated when people without the right qualifications gets the job over us. However I'm sure that won't be the case this time. Rest assured that we will give the job 110% and will be with this organisation for many years to come.

Your desperatly,

Jill Needababy.

**** PLEASE SEND ALL OTHER APPLICATION VIA COMMENTS. ****

Going Green

Well over the past 6 months I have been "Going Green" around my house. I have been slowly eliminating harsh chemical in my house. At first I did this for the environment. The amount of chemicals and pollutions that are going into our water ways and the impact it is having is huge. Not to mention the chemicals being put in the air or the amount of rubbish being put in the ground. Just look at all the natural disasters happening around the world and you have to wonder, "What are we doing to this world." Seriously I'm not a big nature person but I have always been very caring about the environment. Not that I yell it in the streets, but I always recycled whenever possible, take short showers and try not to waste stuff. So in the last 6 months I stepped it up. I've started using vinegar, bi-card soda and a lot of natural ingredients. I'm also using some earth friendly store brought products too. It took me a while to work out what was best. See I'm a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning and germs. So I had to find ways of cleaning without compromising Germ Killing and Good Cleaning Power.

Now it wasn't till about 2 weeks ago when I was reading a new "Green Clean" book that I got and I started thinking beyond the environment and began to think about me and my hubby. It talked about how chemicals can effect your families health. I then began to think, could this be contributing to our fertility issue. Although I don't think it's the cause, I do think it might be an extra chemical that just doesn't help. So with that in mind and with much hesitation, I went to the shop and replaced my bleach cleaning with natural alternatives. It was so hard to say bye to the mold killing, white making liquid, but I know that this is the right thing to do. I feel if everyone just did one thing than we might just make this world a better place for our kids, and our kids kids, and our kids kids kids......

Birds and the Bees.

Well, Hubby and I haven't been "actively" trying the natural way for over a year. Ok, ok, ok, I know what your all thinking. "Umm Jill do we need to tell you how babies are made." The answer is, NO you don't, my Mum explained that to me about 20 years ago.  However she made me think it was easy to get pregnant and you should only have "IT" if you really love the person.
However it turns out not in my case. See I love Hubby very much. So much so that today marks our 13th Anniversary of being together and Yes, we are one of the couples that still celebrate with a love texts and a romantic dinner. However my mum never told me about  IVF or Infertility. If anything I was told not to rely on 1 form of contraception and that doms can break, pill can be forgotten and a man's juice can be toxic even if he hasn't, shall we say "blown his load." I was scared to even look at a boy.

However as a few years passed and my hormones started to rage. Oh how that changed everything. I started becoming very interested in boys and started "Going out" with boys. - which basically was holding hands and writing letters in class. Then in grade 9 things changed again. The level was stepped up. Now I wanted to kiss boys and not just a secret peck but a Pash. Well 1 boy in particular. Only problem was he didn't want to kiss me. (Yes beautiful Size 6, perfect skin 14 year old, Jill.) Oh how I obsessed over him. My friends didn't understand why I liked his so much. But in my head no other boy excised. Then after a YEAR. (I know, how sad) I then went "stuff him." So I decided to look for another boy that I might like to kiss. Well a new boy had started and he looked kind of cute. Why not see if he will kiss me. Turns out after 8 days of "Going out" he did want to kiss me. However by then I realized what a d*** head he was and dumped him the next day.

I then decided that I needed to focus less on being kissed and just enjoy life. However then suddenly a boy who had been in my class since year eight caught my eye at a Party. We flirted over a game of darts and I couldn't help being drawn to him.  Well a few weeks later I told my friends that I really liked this guy. Well they just looked and thought "who him." Well I decided that this was not the time to jump into a "kiss me" attack and scare the poor guy. No, this time I was going to just play it cool and watch from a far. Well that lasted a whole 2 weeks. Because at the next party we went to my "friends" told him I liked him. I went home humiliated. I turn up to school on the Monday to be confronted by the party host who said "Do you like ******? I replied. Yes, but I didn't want him to know. He then said "well he likes you too." I was shocked. Then the next day he asked me out. Around 2 weeks later I finally got a proper kiss and exactly 13 years later we are happily married.

I would love to tell you all that we live happily ever after, but you all know that's not true.
Damm you Infertility. But we are very happy in our relationship. Sure we have our ups and downs. We even broke up for a month the year after we finished high school and pursued other people but then as faith would have it we ended up back together and never been better. I love him so much and would never give him up for anything. Not even a baby!

I started a blog!

Today I decided after lots of ummm's and arrrr's that I would start a blog. It seemed that I was reading so many blog that I was feeling the urge to join in. I'm not normally a public person and I would never be caught dead on FB. So why a blog?
Well I was on a forum for around a year that really supported me and allowed me to express myself without judgment. I was just Jill, not Hubbies wife, not Mum and Dad's daughter, not a Co-worker and not a Friend. I was free to say how I felt without fear of how people would judge me.  I like this support group and it gave me hope and comfort to know that I wasn't alone in this TTC Journey.

However after my second failed IVF cycled I realized that I needed to get away from it. I need to stop letting Infertility control my life and I signed off the forum. Don't get me wrong it was a hard decision to make. But I was in a dark place and the only way to get out was to stop myself from talking about it.

So after some counseling and a 6 month break of not "trying". I began to have this feeling. A feeling I had never felt before. It was the feeling of Acceptence.

Acceptence of my Infertility.

Acceptance of my failed IVF cycles.

Acceptance  of the family I may never have.

and

Acceptance to not let Infertility control my life and I let go of this hold it had on me.

I then began to look at my life and realized I hadn't done anything in the past 3 years that gave my life meaning. All my goals, all my thoughts and all my passion was thrown into the TTC basket and I wasn't getting anywhere.

So I stopped and thought what is my true passion in life. And the answer was the same as it had been for my whole life. "Children" Then I thought well if I love children so much, why does my childcare job not give me the pleasure it did so long ago. I then relized the it wasn't just the TTC jounrney that was making me unhappy but my job too. I had been working in Childcare for 11 years and was done with the fast paced, go, go, go job. I needed a change.

It had to still be with children but with closer relationships and quality environments. I then thought Family Day Care. This had been an idea for years and years that when I had my own children that I would do Family Day Care so that I could be a Stay at home Mum and earn money. I never really thought that I would look at it as an option as a married women with no kids. But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to do it.

So here I am 1 month into it and for the first time in 3 years, I'm Happy. Don't get me wrong I still want to have a child of my own more that anything but I know longer let my life be controlled by it and I'm not wasting my life by counting tears and expecting a BFP every month. Hubby and I are not actively trying but not using any protection either. Sure I see some CM and think for a moment. "Am I ovulating", then I think......Whatever.