Letting it out

Since my current emotional journey is for me to try to make peace with my infertility, I have decided to write down the hardest times in my journey. I know this seen strange that I want to make peace but then I want to bring up the negative things. However I feel that by write them down I'm kind of letting them go. There may be some things written in here that people may find offensive and I 'm sorry but I need to get it all out.

*Well from my last post, my sisters pregnancy was a hard moment. The hardest was her baby shower (as mentioned), the birth (I was there at the beginning until she ended up with an emergency c-section), and when he was young. Some day I was fine and others I was a mess. I was angry that she had a baby into a rocky marriage (pre and post baby) when my marriage was strong and still is (been together for 13 years now, Married for 5 and as in love with him like crazy still.)

* My sister in law announced her second pregnancy. Now with the first and second pregnancy she smoked through and still does. She hands her children to the grand parents every weekend so she can go out drinking. Although she didn't "drink" when she was pregnant, she did tell me she had an occasional wine. I believe she loves her kids but she put herself before them.

* My brother in law was 16 and had been going out with this chick for, wait for it............1 month when she announced she was pregnant. Now 2 years later and they are married and expecting a second and just brought a house.  But I seemed so unfair they got pregnant in that circumstance and we couldn't and now it feels like they are living a perfect life.

* It was hard when my TTC 12 month + forum became more of a pregnancy update place then a "I can't conceive venting place." Hence why left. I understand ppl want to hang around to support others but I just think talking about every move, scan and bump gets a bit much. Specially when there are more pregnant women on there then non pregnant ones. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but a little sensitivity please!

* Another hard day was when I was told I was unable to do my planned FET. The appointment was meant to be a scan appointment with no big deal, so out of all the appointment this was the one that I told hubby to not come to. It was the only one he didn't and that was when I was told we couldn't go ahead with the FET and I needed another lap to remove a cyst of my ovary and endo. I remember ringing him in tear. On the day of the surgery I started getting tearing as I was just about to go under. Actually I was crying as the anesthetist was putting me to sleep. They thought I was just scared about the surgery but little did they know that my tears were because I was thinking that this is not what I'm meant to be doing. I was meant to be have a frozen embryo put in not surgery. I went under crying and the emotion must had stayed with me through the surgery because when I started to come to I began to cry as I started waking and the nurses were asking what was wrong but I was took groggy to tell them. They assumed I was in pain. Little did they know I was in pain but no the kind that any drug could fix.

* Obviously the day I was diagnosed with endo was a hard, and months of BFN's and as was starting IVF and doing the injections and had reactions and internal bleeding. Also the failed IVF's were hard but I knew that they hadn't worked before the results. I remember sitting alone one night on the couch a week after my first transfer and rubbing my tummy and crying out loud, "Me and your Daddy wanted you so much, why can't you just hold on."

* Then there was the darkest day ever. I was having a really bad time emotionally. It was a month after my lap and 2 and 4 month after the fail IVF's. I was crying all the time and just could get a grip on things. I was having a whine to hubby when he turned to me and said, "I can never have a bad day anymore because you are always sad." I now know what he was trying to say but at the time I took it personal. I went into my room and broke down into tears. It felt like my emotions were getting in the way of Hubby's happiness. I turned to my bedside table were my pain killers for my migraines were, I picked up the box and thought to myself, "If I took this box of pills then maybe I can get rid of my pain and then Hubby can be free." I could have easily done it, It would have been such any easy way out, but I knew deep in my heart that it wasn't right. I took the box down stairs and handed it to Hubby and told him what I wanted to do. I sobbed so hard and for so long and all he did was hugged me tight. After I started to pull myself together I told him I was sorry for my emotional state and that I think I need to get some professional help. I then went to a counselor and started sorting through my emotions. I realized that I had never really grieved over my failed IVF cycles and that I was obsessed with TTC, to the point were I didn't do anything for myself. I stopped living. At this point I really changed my life. I started to see the world differently. I didn't go on any medication, just the counseling and used strategies she gave me. It's felt like I had this cloud over my head for so long and then the sun started shining again. This all happened at the end of last year and since then I have never looked back.