I had my first Japanese Acupuncture appointment yesterday. And may I just say, Ahhhhh! I had acupuncture for 6 months from July to Dec 2009. However this was Chinese Acupuncture and OMG what a difference. I remember some of my infertile companions telling me how they feel so relaxed and almost fall asleep during acupuncture and I was dump founded that they could. When I was getting Chinese acupuncture the sensation was way too strong to even relax let alone fall asleep. I thought in may be my body, my pain thresh hold or even the very well trained and professional acupuncturist. Turns out I know now that it is fact the type of acupuncture. I have posted a link talking about the differences below:
http://www.efratsudai.com/2010/01/the-difference-between-chinese-and-japanese-acupuncture/
So the differences for me was:
1. I couldn't feel the needles. Chinese needles are 0.22mm thick and go in 1-5 cm deep and Japanese needles are 0.12mm and go in 1-5mm deep.
2. I felt a deep relaxed feeling in my body and considering I was in a strange and new environment that was amazing.
3. She wants to do weekly appointments for the next 3 months before I do my FET and when I do my FET, she said appointment before transfer and after. I was over the moon about this. See last time when I had Chinese acupuncture it was when I was naturally trying and I had it on ovulation (I was emailing her my temps daily) and also 10 to 12 days later (Implantation time).
I'm really excited about going back to her. Not only because for the first time in 8 months I'm doing something to get PG but also because Japanese Style Acupuncture makes me feel good. I also now have a plan, 3 months of weekly acupuncture then my FET. My poor snow baby will think I forgot about it. It been on ice since July last year because it's Mummy had a break down after 2 fail IVF's in May and July and then getting told my endo had grown back and I had another lap to remove it in Sept. But that's all in the past and after some councelling and a long break I'm really to start this new chapter. I just hope that my snow baby defrosts in 3 months and then takes.
Please, please please make this be it.
30 Apr 2011
28 Apr 2011
Faces!
During this Infertility Journey I have meet some wonderful people over the net. Some people I have been in contact with for short periods of time and some a little longer. But the strange thing is, some of them I have never even seen their faces. I of course have invented images in my head of what they look like and after later seeing some photo's those images changed. But I still visilise them in my head.
As you may or may not be aware, I'm one of the anti-FB people. It's not that I care if people are on. (My Hubby is.) I'm just not interested and I do see a lot of trouble that it causes. See I am a very open person in life. If someone asked if we have kids. I tell them the whole story. (The short version) I don't have secrets and I always try to be truthful. Therefore I feel that FB and me wouldn't get along. Hubby never write anything serious and not too offen. He normally writes movie quotes, song lines and if he does write something personal, it's only something special. I on the other hand have never joined but I know if I did, I would end up saying something that I shouldn't had and not being able to take it back.
However I do sometimes feel this pull to join. Not to see peoples faces but to contact people that I was friends with in real life. I had a special friend who I knew for 3 years and now she is in the UK. We started emailing for the first few months then the time got longer and now it been months. I remember her asking me to join FB before she left, so we could keep in touch. I of course objected and now 1.5 years later. I feel I have lost the friendship. It may have happened anyway but I do wonder, If I had joined FB would it have changed things? I'm not the type of person to do something because my friends tell me too. That was what my hubby liked most about me in high school. I did what I wanted and not what my friends wanted. He respected that and I do too. So many people have begged me to join, everyone in my life under 40 and even my 54 year old mum has one. So why don't I want to join. Am I just being stubborn and don't want to give in to the pressure and say I was wrong. Or is it just another thing I don't need in my life.
I guess the internet scares me sometimes. I worry if I paste a photo on the net that it could be photo shopped or my words changed. I feel comfort in being an ANYBODY on here. I'm know as Jill (which is my real name, well Jillian but everyone calls me Jill) But I can be anyone and say anything. No one in my real life know about this blog. (Except Hubby but he doesn't read it.) I have freedom and you know what.........I love it.
As you may or may not be aware, I'm one of the anti-FB people. It's not that I care if people are on. (My Hubby is.) I'm just not interested and I do see a lot of trouble that it causes. See I am a very open person in life. If someone asked if we have kids. I tell them the whole story. (The short version) I don't have secrets and I always try to be truthful. Therefore I feel that FB and me wouldn't get along. Hubby never write anything serious and not too offen. He normally writes movie quotes, song lines and if he does write something personal, it's only something special. I on the other hand have never joined but I know if I did, I would end up saying something that I shouldn't had and not being able to take it back.
However I do sometimes feel this pull to join. Not to see peoples faces but to contact people that I was friends with in real life. I had a special friend who I knew for 3 years and now she is in the UK. We started emailing for the first few months then the time got longer and now it been months. I remember her asking me to join FB before she left, so we could keep in touch. I of course objected and now 1.5 years later. I feel I have lost the friendship. It may have happened anyway but I do wonder, If I had joined FB would it have changed things? I'm not the type of person to do something because my friends tell me too. That was what my hubby liked most about me in high school. I did what I wanted and not what my friends wanted. He respected that and I do too. So many people have begged me to join, everyone in my life under 40 and even my 54 year old mum has one. So why don't I want to join. Am I just being stubborn and don't want to give in to the pressure and say I was wrong. Or is it just another thing I don't need in my life.
I guess the internet scares me sometimes. I worry if I paste a photo on the net that it could be photo shopped or my words changed. I feel comfort in being an ANYBODY on here. I'm know as Jill (which is my real name, well Jillian but everyone calls me Jill) But I can be anyone and say anything. No one in my real life know about this blog. (Except Hubby but he doesn't read it.) I have freedom and you know what.........I love it.
25 Apr 2011
Award
Tee - I love that you are always so funny and honest in your posts. If the shit smells, you say it smells like shit and don't say it smells like roses. I'm a lot like that.
Haidee - I love that you are such a giving and caring poster. If someone is down, you help comfort them. Your going to be a great mum!
Ree - I love that you are such a soft natured and quiet person. You are always supportive and kind and would never say anything to hurt anyone.
Chon - I love that your not afraid to voice you option and put people in their place if they are being rude or insensitive. You are a very honest person and that's a quality I value.
Ants - I love that you are so sincere and have great ethics. You care about the environment, nature and animals. Even though I'm not a huge animal lover, I do care about the environment and also hate the amount of plastic in the world. I use NO plastic toys in my day care except a 2 push bike that I hire. (Read below)
Now for my bit.
10 things I love about me.
1. I love my feet. My feet are my favorite part of my body. They are soft and small and perfect (If I do say so myself.) I have even got a tattoo of a heart on my left foot. It is the only one I have and I will most likely not get anymore, but I love it.
2. I love my wedding and engagement ring and I think I did a good job designing my wedding ring to match my engagement ring. I love, love, love jewelery. I make some beaded jewlery from time to time.
3. I love that I'm not afraid to laugh at myself. I love joking around and laughing. I love telling funny stories and hearing them too.
4. I love that I have a gift with children. I have had a passion for children and babies since I was young and I feel children sense my gift. I have worked with children my whole adult life and I can't imagine doing anything else.
5. I love that I run a very natural and free exploring program in my in home day care. I love that I have things clean, tidy and organized but still have a program that is based on resources that are real and have no plastic. Here is a link to my Philosophy - http://www.littleacornstomightyoaks.co.uk/Articles/Treasure_basket
6. I love my boobs. They are a perfect size in proportion to my body. Not too big, not too small. I take a 12C or 12D depending on the bra.
7. I love the fact that I am organized. I love being organized, I love organizing things, I love rearranging things and solving problems so that things are organized and tidy.
8. I love that my friend Lauren and I have been friend for over 16 years and we can talk about anything. She has supported me through all my Infertility and has always said the right things and never judged.
9. I love that my parents are still happily married after over 30 years of marriage. My mum was 18 years when she got married and dad was 26. When I got married at 23 and hubby 22. We got a few criticisms from people that we were too young. But Mum and Dad were behind us 100%. They knew that we had been together 7 years and were in love. Plus they got married young and are still together.
10. I love that I have a wonderful husband who cares about me as much as I care about him. I love that we know what each others thinking and that we spend most of our free time happily together.
This list was so much harder than my post "10 things I hate about me." Sometimes it's harder to sing your own praise than to criticize yourself.
21 Apr 2011
10 things I hate about me!
1. Sometimes I talk too much. I'm a very chatty person. I love catting to people and socializing. I'm not a 1 side chatter as I always ask others about there life but I sometimes find myself saying, "Stop talking."
2. I have a little mowy. Not a big hairy mowy but a few light hairs and yes I wax it, thank you very much! But I hate it. Wish I didn't have to wax every 3 to 4 weeks when I get my brows done.
3. I hate that I am short. My Hubby is just over 6 foot and I'm 5 foot. That's a 30 cm difference. Most people say we look cute together but a few more inches wouldn't go astray.
4. I get migraines. They mostly are hormonal (Just before AF) but also alcohol and stress brings them on. So I never drink and I occasionally miss out on thing as I'm in bed in pain. Sometimes they aren't too bad and I can drug up and put on a smile. Then others feel like my head is going to explode and I have to hibernate under my bed covers.
5. I hate being a middle child. I have an older sister who is 3.5 years older than me and a brother who is 2.5 years younger than me. Don't get me wrong we are a very close family and my parents were always fair on all of us, but unless you are a middle child yourself, you just don't understand that "Middle child syndrome" really does exist. I remember my grandpa use to favor my brother. (Only grandson) and my Grandma use to always tell my sister how she was the first grandchild. What was I? That's right, The Middle Child!
6. I'm dyslexic. For those of you who don't know what this is let be break it down. I had a lot of trouble learning as a kid and sometimes still do. I'm Auditory Dyslexic. So I have trouble listening and concentrating. I have perfect hearing but I often hear words differently. For example when I was younger I would see the word THE. I would see T H E but I would say "a". Why you ask, because they sound the same. That's an auditory dyslexic. The other type is a Visual Dyslexic. They are the people that see words jumping around the page. (That's not me.) Anyway I did a huge amount of extra stuff as a kid. Every afternoon after school my mum would do extra work with me and also she took me to every specialist there was. And the results are clear. I'm a full functioning adult with a diploma in childcare and a successful business. Even though a lot of my success is for what my mum did, I also have been diagnosed with an above average IQ. That has been a big help too.
7. I hate that I am a bit of a complainer. If I have aches and pains. I wine at Hubby. He often tell me I'm wining and I have to stop myself. I think it all part of the 1st point, "talking too much." I just say things and don't ever think.
8. I hate that I have little fashion sense. I often wear black and grey stuff. I'm not very experimental with colour. I do love jewelery and I often use funky necklaces to brighten my wardrobe but pretty much it's black and grey all the way. Take right now for instance, black and grey layered top with black leggings with tiny white dots. See no colour? I do own a few red and pink items but if you open my wardrobe right now, I guarantee that 80 to 90% would be grey or black.
9. I hate that I worry. Yes I worry a lot. I worry about money, I worry about work, I worry about my cleaning not being done (I'm an OCD cleaner), I worry about a messy house, I worry about my family, I worry about my friends, , I worry about traffic, I worry about dinner, I worry about my health, I worry about giving birth, I worry about being a mum, I worry about not being a mum, I worry about my teeth falling out, I worry about cancer, I worry about death, I worry about worrying too much!
10. Well I think you all can guess what number 10 is....................... I hate the fact that my body won't have a baby.
2. I have a little mowy. Not a big hairy mowy but a few light hairs and yes I wax it, thank you very much! But I hate it. Wish I didn't have to wax every 3 to 4 weeks when I get my brows done.
3. I hate that I am short. My Hubby is just over 6 foot and I'm 5 foot. That's a 30 cm difference. Most people say we look cute together but a few more inches wouldn't go astray.
4. I get migraines. They mostly are hormonal (Just before AF) but also alcohol and stress brings them on. So I never drink and I occasionally miss out on thing as I'm in bed in pain. Sometimes they aren't too bad and I can drug up and put on a smile. Then others feel like my head is going to explode and I have to hibernate under my bed covers.
5. I hate being a middle child. I have an older sister who is 3.5 years older than me and a brother who is 2.5 years younger than me. Don't get me wrong we are a very close family and my parents were always fair on all of us, but unless you are a middle child yourself, you just don't understand that "Middle child syndrome" really does exist. I remember my grandpa use to favor my brother. (Only grandson) and my Grandma use to always tell my sister how she was the first grandchild. What was I? That's right, The Middle Child!
6. I'm dyslexic. For those of you who don't know what this is let be break it down. I had a lot of trouble learning as a kid and sometimes still do. I'm Auditory Dyslexic. So I have trouble listening and concentrating. I have perfect hearing but I often hear words differently. For example when I was younger I would see the word THE. I would see T H E but I would say "a". Why you ask, because they sound the same. That's an auditory dyslexic. The other type is a Visual Dyslexic. They are the people that see words jumping around the page. (That's not me.) Anyway I did a huge amount of extra stuff as a kid. Every afternoon after school my mum would do extra work with me and also she took me to every specialist there was. And the results are clear. I'm a full functioning adult with a diploma in childcare and a successful business. Even though a lot of my success is for what my mum did, I also have been diagnosed with an above average IQ. That has been a big help too.
7. I hate that I am a bit of a complainer. If I have aches and pains. I wine at Hubby. He often tell me I'm wining and I have to stop myself. I think it all part of the 1st point, "talking too much." I just say things and don't ever think.
8. I hate that I have little fashion sense. I often wear black and grey stuff. I'm not very experimental with colour. I do love jewelery and I often use funky necklaces to brighten my wardrobe but pretty much it's black and grey all the way. Take right now for instance, black and grey layered top with black leggings with tiny white dots. See no colour? I do own a few red and pink items but if you open my wardrobe right now, I guarantee that 80 to 90% would be grey or black.
9. I hate that I worry. Yes I worry a lot. I worry about money, I worry about work, I worry about my cleaning not being done (I'm an OCD cleaner), I worry about a messy house, I worry about my family, I worry about my friends, , I worry about traffic, I worry about dinner, I worry about my health, I worry about giving birth, I worry about being a mum, I worry about not being a mum, I worry about my teeth falling out, I worry about cancer, I worry about death, I worry about worrying too much!
10. Well I think you all can guess what number 10 is....................... I hate the fact that my body won't have a baby.
18 Apr 2011
Playing Mummy & Daddy
Well this weekend Hubby and I played Mummy and Daddy and No we didn't sit at the table pretending to drink tea why I held a doll in my arms like we did when we were 3. But there was a 3 year old involved.
See from 3:30pm Friday afternoon to 11am Sunday we looked after Hubbies 3 year old niece, C.
We had looked after her overnight when she was a baby but that was 2 years ago. So we were both super excited to have her. Hubby was probably more excited as he had told me on Thursday that he had all this stuff planned.
Friday afternoon I picked C up and then we drove into the city and picked Hubby up from work. C asked if we had swings at our house, as she had never been there. We replied "No". So we decided to take her to the park for the afternoon. It was nice pushing her on the swings and watching her go down the slide. We even bumped into one for her friends with her Mum who I had meet a number of time. So we had a little chat why the kids played. Then it was getting dark and late so we decided to head home and thought we might just get some takeaway on the way home. So I asked C what she wanted and she replyed. "Quack, quack." Luckly the other girls mother was still in the car park and I asked her what "quack, quack" was. She said that's C name for Macs. Who know why it's quack quacks. But we went anyway. After dinner we watched a kids movie and I pretend to be scared and she kept covering me with a blacket and telling when to look and when to cover my head. So cute! Then Hubby read her a story and then it was bed time. But she didn't want to sleep in our spare bed with pretty pink sheets. No she wanted to sleep on our bedroom floor on a tiny cot mattress that her feet hung over. Anyway, she ended up coming up onto our bed twice during the night but I managed to get her back onto the mattress. Then in the morning we both looked at each other and said. It's too early. But we got up anyway. As I was getting dressed to go out for the day, C came in and I couldn't help doing her hair and giving her some lip gloss. We then headed to the museum and the science center. She had heaps of fun but did get scared by a few things. Then after lunch we headed home. Due to the fact I had to work for a few hours that night and the fact that C looked tired. We both curled up and had a nap. Then I left for work, why Hubby was left to play Daddy by himself.
When I got home at 11pm. She was on the mattress but not asleep. Hubby said that he went to his Mum's for dinner and bathed her there and got home and she wanted to watch a movie and it had only just finished. Hummmm!
Anyway she was asleep by the time I had got out of the shower and then up at 5 the next morning. I managed to convice her to try to go back to sleep. She did for another hour. We then had a lovely breakfast together and then we took her home to her parents.
We sure did learn a lot about each other and it was lovely to have her here but Hubby and me were tired and ready to give her back. Although when we did get home we both felt the house had a quietness to it. But I guess that is a reality of Infertility.
See from 3:30pm Friday afternoon to 11am Sunday we looked after Hubbies 3 year old niece, C.
We had looked after her overnight when she was a baby but that was 2 years ago. So we were both super excited to have her. Hubby was probably more excited as he had told me on Thursday that he had all this stuff planned.
Friday afternoon I picked C up and then we drove into the city and picked Hubby up from work. C asked if we had swings at our house, as she had never been there. We replied "No". So we decided to take her to the park for the afternoon. It was nice pushing her on the swings and watching her go down the slide. We even bumped into one for her friends with her Mum who I had meet a number of time. So we had a little chat why the kids played. Then it was getting dark and late so we decided to head home and thought we might just get some takeaway on the way home. So I asked C what she wanted and she replyed. "Quack, quack." Luckly the other girls mother was still in the car park and I asked her what "quack, quack" was. She said that's C name for Macs. Who know why it's quack quacks. But we went anyway. After dinner we watched a kids movie and I pretend to be scared and she kept covering me with a blacket and telling when to look and when to cover my head. So cute! Then Hubby read her a story and then it was bed time. But she didn't want to sleep in our spare bed with pretty pink sheets. No she wanted to sleep on our bedroom floor on a tiny cot mattress that her feet hung over. Anyway, she ended up coming up onto our bed twice during the night but I managed to get her back onto the mattress. Then in the morning we both looked at each other and said. It's too early. But we got up anyway. As I was getting dressed to go out for the day, C came in and I couldn't help doing her hair and giving her some lip gloss. We then headed to the museum and the science center. She had heaps of fun but did get scared by a few things. Then after lunch we headed home. Due to the fact I had to work for a few hours that night and the fact that C looked tired. We both curled up and had a nap. Then I left for work, why Hubby was left to play Daddy by himself.
When I got home at 11pm. She was on the mattress but not asleep. Hubby said that he went to his Mum's for dinner and bathed her there and got home and she wanted to watch a movie and it had only just finished. Hummmm!
Anyway she was asleep by the time I had got out of the shower and then up at 5 the next morning. I managed to convice her to try to go back to sleep. She did for another hour. We then had a lovely breakfast together and then we took her home to her parents.
We sure did learn a lot about each other and it was lovely to have her here but Hubby and me were tired and ready to give her back. Although when we did get home we both felt the house had a quietness to it. But I guess that is a reality of Infertility.
13 Apr 2011
Pins and Needles
Back in 2009 when I was naturally trying, I had 6 months of acupuncture. The first 4 month regulated my cycles and help my cramps. However I gave it up due to the last 2 months had stopped working (Irregular periods and cramps again) and also because I was ready to start Assisted Conception (IVF).
However I have been seeing a fertility naturopath and he has put me on lots of yucky herbs and he said he uses lots of Chinese herbs in his mixers and is very much for acupuncture. So I have been thinking about getting back into it. I have decided I won't be going back to my previous acupuncturist. Don't get me wrong she was great. (I knew her personally.) But she didn't specialize in fertility. So this time I'm going to a acupuncturist that I have researched independently and is a specialists in fertility. I'm hopping this might be my key to success.
So my plan is after 3 months of my fertility naturapath's herbs. (Started in March) and 1 month of acupuncture (first appointment 29th May) then in June do my FET cycle that I have been putting off for almost a year now. I will continue with the herbs and accuputure during and after my FET if my Fertility Specialist says I can. But I'm just wanting to give my body a good chance to clean out my uterus for my Snow baby to live in for 9 months.
That's the plan anyway.
However I have been seeing a fertility naturopath and he has put me on lots of yucky herbs and he said he uses lots of Chinese herbs in his mixers and is very much for acupuncture. So I have been thinking about getting back into it. I have decided I won't be going back to my previous acupuncturist. Don't get me wrong she was great. (I knew her personally.) But she didn't specialize in fertility. So this time I'm going to a acupuncturist that I have researched independently and is a specialists in fertility. I'm hopping this might be my key to success.
So my plan is after 3 months of my fertility naturapath's herbs. (Started in March) and 1 month of acupuncture (first appointment 29th May) then in June do my FET cycle that I have been putting off for almost a year now. I will continue with the herbs and accuputure during and after my FET if my Fertility Specialist says I can. But I'm just wanting to give my body a good chance to clean out my uterus for my Snow baby to live in for 9 months.
That's the plan anyway.
11 Apr 2011
Caught in my mind.
I'm in 3 mind sets at the moment. My mind keeps jumping from 3 stong feelings that are completely contridicting each other.
Head space 1:
I want a baby so much and I would give anything to get it. Why am I stuck with this infertility? I want a baby of my own so bad, I want a baby, I WANT A BABY!
Head space 2:
I think our lives are wonderful the way they are. A baby is a lot of work. Maybe we are better to live a childless life.
Headspace 3:
Ok, obviously we are not going to have a biological child. It's really time to move onto adoption waiting lists. Maybe our purpose in life is to help a child that needs a loving home.
Arrrr! I think I am caught between hope and acceptance. Which is a total contradiction? The reality is that I have been trying for 3 years and my body is getting really fucked up from the endo and IVF. I have cramps most days and due to that alone I'm not surprised a baby can't grow in there. I have tried every fertility person I know, who all said they would get me PG and all were shocked when I didn't. When do you surrender and move on.
I started seeing a fertility naturopath about 5 weeks ago who has gotten 5000 women PG. He said that I can get PG naturally (heard that before) but he also said my body is not in good shape and at some point if I continue with IVF and the Endo keeps growing, that I will get to the point were my body will be too fucked up to have a baby. I kind of knew this was on the table after doing lots of research on endo but after hearing it from an expert, it makes it hit deeper. I feel that my body has never really recovered since my 2nd lap to remove the endo and the 2 IVF cycles just before that on top. I have irregular periods, daily cramps and even thought I'm not "fat" I have got a belly. It looks like I'm PG. (Which I have been asked a number of times.) See most of my body is a good healthy shape except my belly. To top it off my herbs that my fertility naturopath gave me have a side effect is weight gain and guess where that weight has gone to, my belly. I hate my body! It's fuck up and I feel it is time to stop kidding myself into thinking I going to get PG. Because even though I would love to believe my fertility naturopath, I just feel he is just going to be another person to try and then turn around a few months later and be surprised it didn't work.
I think I need to see my counsellor.
Head space 1:
I want a baby so much and I would give anything to get it. Why am I stuck with this infertility? I want a baby of my own so bad, I want a baby, I WANT A BABY!
Head space 2:
I think our lives are wonderful the way they are. A baby is a lot of work. Maybe we are better to live a childless life.
Headspace 3:
Ok, obviously we are not going to have a biological child. It's really time to move onto adoption waiting lists. Maybe our purpose in life is to help a child that needs a loving home.
Arrrr! I think I am caught between hope and acceptance. Which is a total contradiction? The reality is that I have been trying for 3 years and my body is getting really fucked up from the endo and IVF. I have cramps most days and due to that alone I'm not surprised a baby can't grow in there. I have tried every fertility person I know, who all said they would get me PG and all were shocked when I didn't. When do you surrender and move on.
I started seeing a fertility naturopath about 5 weeks ago who has gotten 5000 women PG. He said that I can get PG naturally (heard that before) but he also said my body is not in good shape and at some point if I continue with IVF and the Endo keeps growing, that I will get to the point were my body will be too fucked up to have a baby. I kind of knew this was on the table after doing lots of research on endo but after hearing it from an expert, it makes it hit deeper. I feel that my body has never really recovered since my 2nd lap to remove the endo and the 2 IVF cycles just before that on top. I have irregular periods, daily cramps and even thought I'm not "fat" I have got a belly. It looks like I'm PG. (Which I have been asked a number of times.) See most of my body is a good healthy shape except my belly. To top it off my herbs that my fertility naturopath gave me have a side effect is weight gain and guess where that weight has gone to, my belly. I hate my body! It's fuck up and I feel it is time to stop kidding myself into thinking I going to get PG. Because even though I would love to believe my fertility naturopath, I just feel he is just going to be another person to try and then turn around a few months later and be surprised it didn't work.
I think I need to see my counsellor.
7 Apr 2011
To test or not to test
I feel that us IF are divided into 2 types. "The Testers" and "The Non-Testers". I personally am very much a non-tester. I hate preggie test and will avoid them at all cost. I would rather see a red streak on toilet paper as my BFN than 1 lonely line on a little white stick. But that's just who I am. See even if I do a test and it is negative, the back of my mind wonders. Then I play mind games with myself and get myself into a tizzy. So most of the time I wait for the bitch to show, however sometimes she is late for the scheduled appointment and leaves me wondering. So I made a rule a while ago. Anything later than 5 days and I would test.
However I been starting to wonder lately and especially after beautiful Tee got a positive then started bleeding a few hours later, whether us "Non-testers" have maybe got a BFP but lost it before we had tested and just assumed it was AF as normal.
I remember very clearly after about 8 or so months of TTC, I got my period and I can't remember if it was on time or late. (They are always so irregular) But I remember walking to the shops for women's supplies as I had just started day 1 and only had the pad I was wearing and no car. Arrr! So when I got to the shop I felt a lump fall from my "hoo hoo". I had to quickly run for the bathroom and there was a big clot the size of 1/2 a golf ball. I then tried to sort myself out and quickly dash to the chemist and then back to the bathroom. I then was a bit shaken but decided why I was there I would do a bit of a shop to take my mind off it, however sure enough 5 mins later I felt another lump drop. I made another made dash to the bathroom again and saw another clot but not as big as the first one. I then decided it was time start walking home and to rest.
I never did have any more since that day but I do wonder. Do us "Non-testers" miscarry early and just not know? As a non-tester, I would rather not know but I do wonder.........
However I been starting to wonder lately and especially after beautiful Tee got a positive then started bleeding a few hours later, whether us "Non-testers" have maybe got a BFP but lost it before we had tested and just assumed it was AF as normal.
I remember very clearly after about 8 or so months of TTC, I got my period and I can't remember if it was on time or late. (They are always so irregular) But I remember walking to the shops for women's supplies as I had just started day 1 and only had the pad I was wearing and no car. Arrr! So when I got to the shop I felt a lump fall from my "hoo hoo". I had to quickly run for the bathroom and there was a big clot the size of 1/2 a golf ball. I then tried to sort myself out and quickly dash to the chemist and then back to the bathroom. I then was a bit shaken but decided why I was there I would do a bit of a shop to take my mind off it, however sure enough 5 mins later I felt another lump drop. I made another made dash to the bathroom again and saw another clot but not as big as the first one. I then decided it was time start walking home and to rest.
I never did have any more since that day but I do wonder. Do us "Non-testers" miscarry early and just not know? As a non-tester, I would rather not know but I do wonder.........
3 Apr 2011
Feeling the change
I feel like I have changed over the past week. See before blogging, I was accepting my infertility and had not giving the baby stuff much thought. (See first post) However as I have been blogging, my feeling are changing. I'm starting to get that strong urge to want a baby again and my brain is getting obsessed with it. Arrrr! I always knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to give up but sometimes it felt nice to bury that feeling for a bit. See I'm not unhappy like I was a year ago but I'm just getting that desire back to be a mum. I even did something crazy on Friday. It's been 2.5 years since I brought any items for "when I have a baby" but on Friday I brought a "Oroton" nappy bag that I had been eyeing off for around a year. It was getting discontinued and was on sale @ 55% off. So I just thought, what the hell, I fingered all the shit I have been through to get a baby I desire 1 special thing for me. See I was faced with the dilemma when it went on sale. Do I buy it and hope I get to use it or walk away feeling empty. So I choose to buy it.
But after getting it home, examining each pocket and imagining what will go where and then putting it carefully back in it's protective pouch I started to have this strange feeling. I had this feeling of hope. See I have a funny gut feeling that we are going to get pregnant this year. It's like nothing I have felt before. I'm not sure if it is because my head is clear for the first time in 3 years and I'm happy in my life. (AKA positive thinking.) OR if it's something deeper than that. See I knew way down deep in my heart 1 week before the results of both my IVF's came back that it hadn't work. It was something in me telling me that it hadn't worked but now that voice is saying, "This year." God I hope it's right and I'm not just being crazy so I can justify the purchase of a designer nappy bag without even being pregnant.
What the fuck is happening to me?
But after getting it home, examining each pocket and imagining what will go where and then putting it carefully back in it's protective pouch I started to have this strange feeling. I had this feeling of hope. See I have a funny gut feeling that we are going to get pregnant this year. It's like nothing I have felt before. I'm not sure if it is because my head is clear for the first time in 3 years and I'm happy in my life. (AKA positive thinking.) OR if it's something deeper than that. See I knew way down deep in my heart 1 week before the results of both my IVF's came back that it hadn't work. It was something in me telling me that it hadn't worked but now that voice is saying, "This year." God I hope it's right and I'm not just being crazy so I can justify the purchase of a designer nappy bag without even being pregnant.
What the fuck is happening to me?
1 Apr 2011
3 year fool!
Yes, the 1st of April is celebrated all around as "April fools day." Everyone playing jokes, tricking people, laughing and having fun! But it turns out I'm the only real fool today. See today marks my 3rd year of TTC and I feel like a fool. A fool that thought having a baby was going to be easy. A fool to think IVF would fix my Infertility. A fool to think that I would never get to the 3 year mark.
See I remember around 2 years ago Hubby told me this story of someone in his workplace that had been trying for 3 years and my respones to this was, "Well that is ridiculous, I would do something before we got to 3 years." Umm, see FOOL! I thought IVF was a sure fire way to get pregnant and that would be our escape plan. Oh how nieave I was. See I remembering clearly about a year later standing in from of my linen closet just before starting IVF and having a light bulb moment, you know the one that hits you like a truck doing 100 on a freeway. "What if IVF doesn't work?" I was just too scared to think about, so I pushed it to the back part of my brain next to bad nights out and embarrassing moments. (Sure there in your brain but their not something you want to think about.)
Now I have this burning desire to know, What you do if IVF doesn't work? I mean besides eating a lot of chocolate. But I did that already and it did help! Ok maybe a bit. (He, he, he!) But really IVF is like the end of the track when it comes to Fertility Treatments. You've been on other trains and you know that they just lead you to an exchange train and now your on train IVF and you missed your stop and you have ended up at the end of IVF track and there is no other trains in sight. Just darkness and silence. How did I end up here? This was meant to be my express train to motherhood but it turns out I must have brought the wrong ticket because I'm totally lost.
See I remember around 2 years ago Hubby told me this story of someone in his workplace that had been trying for 3 years and my respones to this was, "Well that is ridiculous, I would do something before we got to 3 years." Umm, see FOOL! I thought IVF was a sure fire way to get pregnant and that would be our escape plan. Oh how nieave I was. See I remembering clearly about a year later standing in from of my linen closet just before starting IVF and having a light bulb moment, you know the one that hits you like a truck doing 100 on a freeway. "What if IVF doesn't work?" I was just too scared to think about, so I pushed it to the back part of my brain next to bad nights out and embarrassing moments. (Sure there in your brain but their not something you want to think about.)
Now I have this burning desire to know, What you do if IVF doesn't work? I mean besides eating a lot of chocolate. But I did that already and it did help! Ok maybe a bit. (He, he, he!) But really IVF is like the end of the track when it comes to Fertility Treatments. You've been on other trains and you know that they just lead you to an exchange train and now your on train IVF and you missed your stop and you have ended up at the end of IVF track and there is no other trains in sight. Just darkness and silence. How did I end up here? This was meant to be my express train to motherhood but it turns out I must have brought the wrong ticket because I'm totally lost.
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